survival guide to eating on the cheap.

Warning: for most of you this will probably be dreadfully boring.

I haven’t had a chance to talk to you about my New Year’s goals yet. Or my year in review for that matter. I know you’re totally heartbroken. People are constantly begging for others to blather on and on about their goals. Unfortunately, I can’t do that for you today either. But I will tell you that this year we are continuing our mission of becoming healthier people. The past few months that little mission self-destructed. I was just TOO in the mood for baking and I swear to God Jimmie and I probably gained 50 pounds. At least that’s how I feel.

But, holidays are over and I’m fresh out of excuses, so this week’s trip to the market was to do one thing: buy some good stuff and leave the crap on the shelves. No more baking. No more cheesy buttery goodness. No more Yummy.

I was really proud of myself after my trip to the store and mentioned something about buying two week’s worth of groceries for $120 on Facebook. My inbox went nuts with people asking me what the heck I did to score such deals. So, I’m writing this to tell you. Feel free to move on if you want. I won’t blame you. But I’m going to tell you some awesome stuff. I’m a helluva cook and you want me to share my stuff with you. : )

Here’s what I’ll be making for dinner the next two weeks: (beware it’s heavy on the chicken because it was on a wicked sale!)

Sweet & Sour Turkey Meatballs with Brown Rice and Green Beans
Mediterranean Spiced Chicken Breasts on Cous Cous Salad
Garlic Chicken w/ Sweet Potatoes and Spinach Salad
Farfalle with Bacon, Spinach and Sauteed Mushroom Medley (shitake, button and portobello)
Lemon Chicken with Orzo and a Salad
Chicken Pot Pie (mamma needs her comfort food, so I make a whole wheat crust.)
Chili (ground turkey with eggplant, black and kidney beans), homemade corn bread
Artichoke, lemon and feta stuffed chicken breasts and Cous Cous with Salad
Baked Potatoes covered in leftover chili with Salad
Chicken Noodle Soup with Homemade French Bread
Chicken Stir Fry
Spaghetti
Cheese Ravioli with Mushroom Cream Sauce (more comfort food for mamma.)
Homemade BBQ chicken Pizza (whole wheat crust)

This time around at the market I didn’t have to buy many staples. We have flour, yeast, etc. so it was mostly meat, fresh veggies, some canned goods, dairy and lunch stuff for the kids. I guess I don’t know how I did all this for cheap. I shop at Winco* which is a warehouse/discount grocery store. I have been shopping “cheap” here long enough to know what of their store brand items I can buy and on which things I need major brands. Most of my canned goods are great with the store brands. I buy all my pasta from the bulk bin area. I can buy all whole wheat for much cheaper and I can control the quantity better. I also buy my flour, spices, dried fruit, nuts and baking goods this way. Initially there was an expense in buying storage containers at home for these products, but it paid for itself quickly.

I have found buying things like yogurt or applesauce in large tubs rather than individual sized items saves a ton. It takes me a while longer to prepare lunches but it can save me around $20 a week on a minimum (it also helps the kids be responsible in bringing home the containers- a small bonus.) And, now that I have the time, making things like bread, pizza dough and sauces from scratch saves a ton (and we think it’s way better.) Additionally, in respect to the kid’s lunches and snacks I have tried to stop buying packaged goodies and start replacing it with fresh fruits and veggies and homemade stuff. That, more than anything, is a money saver for us (and a much healthier approach for the kids.)

Well, if you’re still reading you probably are thinking “DUH!” but that’s all I do; it’s all I have to offer. None of it is very earth shattering, but that’s how I got to $120 for two weeks of meals.

Let me know if you want any of my recipes. I don’t follow them closely; I look at recipes as more of a loose guide, but I’d be happy to share.

I promise not to make a habit of boring you to death with my mundane shopping trips and menus.

*I don’t generally buy my meat at Winco. I am a neurotic freak about meat quality. We usually only eat chicken and ground turkey with an occasional beef roast or pork chop. I don’t do fish. I know.
Anyway, I get my turkey from Costco (4-6 meals worth for $14.) Chicken is fine from Winco (for me-I trim and wash thoroughly no matter where it’s from.) and red meats when on sale at Safeway or from Costco when I have spare cash in the budget.

excuse me, does anyone know where i left my sanity?

This time of year my brain shuts down and I just sort of wander around aimlessly and ramble and put things in random places in the house and just waste space in general.  It always takes me a good week to recover from the holiday season.  I call it my holiday hangover.  You have it too, admit it.

Last night Jimmie told me something that didn’t quite sit right, but I couldn’t totally put my finger on it.  I blame my holiday hangover for making me a little slow on the uptake, because tonight I finally realized what it was.  Are you ready for this?

“We need to work with the kids on dealing with their own crap.  They lean on you for everything.  They don’t even try to find their own shoes.”

BAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Excuse me, dear dad.  I think they get that awesome quality from you.  This is coming from the guy that asks me where to find something on the average of 14 times per day.  This is also the guy that can never find his car keys or his wallet for that matter.  And what does he do when this occurs?  ”BABE?!  Have you seen my insert asinine and mundane item here that I use every stinking day?”  Then babe proceeds to go to the place where said item is supposed to be and lifts one item that is laying on top of it (if that) and gives it to the moron that can’t seem to do this simple task.

And so now I am supposed to “get on top” of the kids doing that so they don’t turn into their dad.  Again I say, BAHAHAHAHA.  I give up.

Happy Holiday Hangover, kids.  Hope you enjoyed the heck out of your family this season.  By the way, does anyone know when school starts back up?  I need a break.

an improper christmaskah solstice miracle.

I’m aware there are millions of people around the world that don’t spend the entire month of December (and possibly half of November) obsessing over Christmas.  I’m not one of those people, but I get it.  Whether it be for differing religious purposes or a commitment not to materialize a sacred holiday or whatever, I get it.  That’s why I’m calling the winter holidays “Christmaskah Solstice Holiday.”  I figure I cover at least two of the millions of other beliefs/practices.

We happen to be of the group that believe in the baby Jesus in a manger and all that jazz, so Christmas is a big deal for that.  And Christmas is a big deal to my kids for a chance to ask Santa for godawful amounts of gifts of the “are you freaking kidding me” variety.  Every year we try to keep it to a minimum, but there have been years when *someone* in this house went a little too nuts.  (I’m just going to say it might have been me, but I wouldn’t count on me ever admitting that to the other person that pays the bills in this house.  So, whatever.)

My sweet little family of four has had every variety of Christmas.  We’ve had the “holy shit how much money did we spend on this freaking holiday?” years, but mostly we’ve had the “pretty tight budget and reasonable” years (which were obviously not by my choice.)  The first year after the local mortgage and real estate market crashed in our area (which was where we made our income,) we had the “holy shit how are we even going to afford milk this week” Christmas.  That was, by far, one of the hardest years of my life.

Jordan was a baby.  There was no work at all for Jim, much less a paycheck that would cover the bills.  For me, it was basically hell on earth where I sunk into such a craptastic depression I don’t even remember being alive.  Once it was over, I swore I’d beg, borrow and steal before I repeated that again in my life.  (Totally stupid thing to swear in hindsight, but nonetheless, I swore it.)

It sucks to be poor, but it really sucks to be poor at the magical time of Christmaskah.  Every year that we’ve been back on our feet, I’ve tried to make sure our hearts are open at Christmas.  There may not always be a ton of extra cash for us to donate or share with those less fortunate, but we find a way to give what we can – welcoming those who are alone or away from family into our home, making Christmas cookies with children who have no food much less the extravagance of sprinkles, playing Santa for kids who wouldn’t be able to see a mall Santa ever (Jim, not me.  My tummy isn’t THAT jolly. Well, actually this year, my tummy is totally that jolly.)  You get the idea, we try.

This year, since I have somewhat of a place to do so, I’m organizing the First Annual Improper Christmaskah Solstice Miracle. There are thousands upon thousands of families across our country that don’t have enough.  Everyone from the homeless, to the recently unemployed, to the just plain down on their luck families will struggle to make something special happen this season.  For some, special will mean getting a hot meal and new pair of gloves, or being able to buy their kids one gift to put under the tree someone at the Salvation Army loaned to them (yes, there really are those programs.)  For others it may be having the ability to pay their electric bill and possibly squeeze out a gift or two for their babes.   There are various levels of need, and so few resources to provide.

I happen to know a great family that has had a tough year.  I know it will take a Christmaskah Solstice Miracle to keep their electricity on, gas in their car to make it to work and possibly provide a couple of gifts for their kids.  I’m hoping my Improper Friends can make this possible, this year and hopefully for years to come.  I’m hoping we can start something seriously awesome!

Here’s a useless little factoid: if I charged ten cents for every time someone clicked onto my blog, I’d make about $800 a month.  I know, in this day and age, that isn’t much, but it sure as hell would pay to keep some electricity on!  There are some bloggers who charge their readers a “subscription” fee.  I don’t know who the hell they are but I’ve heard of them.  I think they’re BRILLIANT.  I sure as hell can’t do that.  I’d be here talking to myself.  So, here’s what I’m asking for payment of the super fantastic privilege of reading my blog ad free and without a bullshit subscription fee (which I hope you know I would never do- but baby jeebus bless those who do.)

Take this one day this year to donate and help make a family’s Christmas freaking awesome.  Pay for their lights/heat to stay on (as well as other personal details I won’t share) and for the kids to get some trinkets under the tree.  And, if there’s enough, we’ll make more than one family’s year (by taking part in an official “adopt a family” program.)   I know there are programs that take care of these kinds of things.  But I’m starting this “program”.  Right now.

All you have to do is click on the “donate” button below.  This will take you to PayPal and the account I’ve set up called “Improper Christmas” (Because I didn’t have enough room to call it Improper Christmaskah Solstice Miracle.”)  As long as you’re paying with a credit/debit card you don’t even have to be a PayPal member to donate and it takes no more than 5 minutes.  Because I know this family’s circumstances personally, I can tell you that every single cent will help.   Please don’t skip this opportunity because you only have a buck to spare.  We all know that every little bit helps in these situations.

And, as if knowing you gave a family their very own miracle isn’t enough, my gift back to you is a very special and exclusive Improper Holiday Recap which will be available sometime after my holiday hangover subsides.  I know you guys don’t want to miss the recap of this dysfunctional family’s holiday season complete with the Improper Family Christmas card, way too awesome to send to family!  **Update: Visit this post to see some of the UNBELIEVABLY AMAZING card ideas we have going!  All I’m gonna say is “assless chaps.”

***Update: Those who heard of the “regretsy” fundraiser and are concerned your funds will not be released by PayPal, rest assured PayPal has rectified the situation and assures fundraisers our funds will be released.***

jumping from bridge can be fatal and tragic

It’s a pretty sad state of affairs if one should be warned that they will die if they jump from a bridge.

I’m not in a jumping from a high bridge state of being, but I’ve been in a funk for so long I’m not sure I remember not being in one. I’m not one for loving transition, but this last one just took it out of me. Seriously.

I’m sure you remember that we moved this past summer. At the time we were so jacked about moving the kids to the land of opportunity (better schools for the long term) and Jimmie having a better job without a whack-job boss and hopefully lots more money, as well as being close to family that I just didn’t process all of the down sides to things. I think it’s really been hitting me lately.

I am so grateful for the kids new school situation. It really is the thing that is turning out to be as great as we hoped. I know this would have been a tough year had we still been in the area we were. But as great as the job is, the money really isn’t a lot better yet. And as great as it is to be close to family, it has it’s down sides too. And well, if I’m truly honest with myself, I just miss the hell out of my friends.

I am not a happy person right now. I know I’m not because Jim asks me how I’m doing about 42 times a day. That pretty much means I’m probably being assy and a downer and he isn’t sure what to do about it except make me admit it. I usually just say I’m fine but I think that answer is running a little thin.

So, as I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, I have decided I’m missing out on my girl time. We may have been far from our family and people we’d known for most of our adult lives, but our previous home was full of friends and love. I think all of us are really missing them because the kids spent about a half an hour today reminiscing about the funny things they remember doing with some of our close family friends. They aren’t really the kind of kids that sit around and talk about those kinds of things without a reason.

Have you even been in a place in your life where the friendships were almost effortless? I think these relationships are few and far between. When we first moved to a tiny town called Moses Lake I was not excited about it. I’m a city girl and I always have been. People joked that “the Hole” would suck me in and I’d never want to leave. I guess they were more right than I even knew.

There’s something about living life simply and without the fast paced, traffic congested craziness always surrounding you. There was also something wonderful about it just being us- our little family of four- in our own space, figuring out life in our own way. I love the kids being close to family, but I really loved the distance too.

I miss monthly Bunco and spur of the minute Girl’s Nights. I miss meeting our friends for Thursday night bar food at the local bowling alley and softball games in the freezing wind. I miss football parties and Christmas get-togethers where someone ends up curling up under the tree for a nap. I miss barbecues and sitting out on the lake until dark because no one wants to think about cooking or cleaning the sand off of the kids (and beer and potato chips make a fine dinner anyway.) I miss friends that invite themselves over for dinner and bring KFC for the whole family. I guess, I just miss people that aren’t so wrapped up in their own stuff that it makes it impossible to make time for someone else. And I miss being one of those people.

It’s possible that our next door neighbors could become those people to us, if I had it in me to put out the effort. I guess it’s time to quit moping around and get my shit together. Whether I like it or not, this is our home now and if I want to have some good, meaningful fun I will probably have to be the one to initiate it. Doesn’t mean I have to like it, though. Doesn’t mean I even know where to start either. Crap.

i swear it wasn’t me that was pepper spraying people at walmart. but if i would have thought of it, i might have.

You may remember a couple of weeks ago when I decided to kick off the holiday season by sending my hubs Black Friday Shopping.

If you haven’t read that post you should just click on over and read it.  I’ll wait while you get caught up.

So yes, we really want that XBox Kinect for the kids for Christmas.  So much so that I planned all of Thanksgiving around Jimmie being able to go and sit in line.  Just like most young families, we split the holidays between two families.  They are on opposite ends of the Seattle Metro area, so about an hour apart.  We left family number one’s get together which is way south in time to drive all the way north for family number two’s.  Jimmie dropped us off and proceeded to the Walmart that was close to their place for a little recon work.  There wasn’t yet a line and he had his bearings and what needed to be done so he returned for dinner.  I want you to know, if there had already been people in line he would have missed dinner for this.  That’s how serious we were about being one of the few that would get this damn doorbuster.  That’s how scared he is of me when I tell him to do something.  Because I’m that crazy.

So after dinner he went back to WallyWorld armed with a camping chair, a book,and a fully charged iPhone and Blackberry.  It was 5:30 and the sale started at 10:00.

He promised all of us a play by play of the night’s events via facebook.  Here’s how things went before I showed up:

“In line and the 15th person.  Hope I don’t stand here for no reason!”

Line in front of me.

 

Line behind me.

Pretty ladies in line next to me.

Clearly the man was losing it early on.  Here’s a few more status updates:

“It’s getting good.  Walmart employees are telling all the people that cracked into the specials early to return them.  One of the employees                         looks just like Fire Marshall Bill.”  Yikes!

“I think I will crack open a twelver, buy a Styrofoam cooler and some ice, but then I might pass out and miss all the fun.  Maybe I can just                                 ‘borrow’ it all.”

“Can I just say that its not a good idea to sit in a camping chair on the end cap while every person walks by. Not the best view or smell.”

“People are cutting and I have a lady behind me that’s going to go nuts! Video to come.” (no video ever came, but apparently the lady did confront quite a few people and it resulted in… less than a fist fight. loser.)

Okay, enough of that.  Here’s how it went down.  Jimmie stood/sat in line from 5:30 to 8:30.  He was right in the middle of a major throughway of the store, just sitting there in his camping chair watching the freak show play out.  While he may have had to sit at butt level and see/smell a lot of turkey fueled asses wander by, at least he wasn’t sitting out in the freezing rain!  The store was mostly empty except for others waiting in line so it really wasn’t that big of a deal.

Meanwhile, I was home washing about two hours worth of holiday dishes.  Then I put the kids to bed and promptly made myself the most delicious vodka tonic in a “to go cup” and hit the road with my Sister-In-Law to join in on the fun.  Just as we were arriving, the store handed out tickets to those who had been standing in line and said to return at ten to claim your XBox.  It also must have been the same time that every single person in town decided to come to Walmart, because that store got Ca-Ray-Zay.

Me with the golden ticket.

WE DID IT! (uhhh, I mean, HE DID IT!)  We wandered around for a while and then returned to line up for the best Christmas gift ever (which is what my kids better say on Christmas morning or their dad is going to kill me.)  We had to stand in that line for about an hour.  I instantly made friends with the women in front of me when I announced this needed to end soon because I was sweating like a whore in church and needed another drink. Listen, I didn’t think I needed to pretend to be classy in Walmart.  I was in good company.  We pretty much reeked of Klass.

Once we got the magical box of fun, we then had to stand in line for another hour and a half to pay for the freaking thing.  Even though we had sent the SIL to stake out a place in line long before that, the line moved so slow and the people were such colossal idiots it really didn’t matter.  This night was destined to be a CF of the greatest magnitude ever from the get go.  We were at Walmart for crying out loud.

The only thing that would have made it better is if this would have been a flash mob.

But, we made out with the best doorbuster of the season (says me) and our kids are going to love it!  I hate Black Friday.  I hope to GOD we never have to do that again.  But, I’m pretty darn proud of our purchase.  And I was very thankful to have a hubby that would endure such a shit show so we could give our kids a cool present without having to sell off any vital organs.

Jimmie’s last status update regarding Black Friday.  ”Watching people fight over XBox games, Legos, TV’s and computers.  I can’t believe there is that that much desperation out there. What I really can’t believe is that people are that greedy. I don’t think I will ever do it again. I feel dirty.”

That may be.  Tis the season, I suppose.  On the way home he also said that “tonight is saving Christmas.”  Which was pretty cute coming from the guy who hated Christmas when we first got married.

VICTORY

what? don’t all wives make their husbands train in high heels?

I hate to be the one to break it to you, folks, but the holiday season is upon us.    It’s beyond upon us.  It’s breathing down our freaking necks.  I know this because my ass is spreading exponentially.  Which has nothing to do with my neck.  But everything to do with holiday baking.

My son has been talking for about the past, ohhh I don’t know, three months about how he’s going to get a new XBox 360 from Santa (ours broke around the time he broke his leg and he’s all about getting a new Kinect.)  Now, I know most of you are rolling in oodles of cash in this stellar economy, but the Impropers are not.  I mean, we’re not eating out of soup cans, but we’re not living in the lap of luxury either.  The game system my son is convinced Santa is bringing is to the tune of $300.   That’s a little stiff for me considering we have other people to buy for as well.  So… I began to get creative.  Ebay and Craigslist and all sorts of searches have been going on around here.

Can I just tell you Ebay makes me break out into hives?  I feel like I’m rummaging through the city dump looking for an earring back.  With a blind fold on.  In the middle of a rain storm.  For me, it is the equivalent of an online yard sale.  I know TONS of people find great stuff both at yard sales and Ebay, but I get hives just thinking about it.

Anyway… I was freaking out as to how we are going to swing the Kinect hoopla as well as the rest of Christmas when I found the solution sent from the marketing gods.  Wal Freaking Mart is having the very bundle on sale for Black Friday for a third of the price (after all the specials and fireworks) and I am determined Jimmie will snag us one of the three that I’m sure the store will actually be offering.  I know Black Friday “limited quantity” items are mostly a sham.  I do not care.  I am confident in my hubby’s ability to do what has to be done.  But, I have instituted his training regiment just to insure his abilities.  It looks remarkably similar to the Target training regime.

Yes, I am making him train in heels.

You may be wondering, at this point, why Jimmie is training and I’m not.  The sale we are hitting starts at 10 pm on Thanksgiving.  I think that’s ridiculous, but you guys, we have to get a deal on this freaking thing.   I can’t very well leave the kids and family and everyone and miss Thanksgiving dinner, but, Jim can.  I mean, it’s not like he does much anyway.  He wasn’t so excited at first, but I broke it down for him like this:

1) Sit in the cold all day waiting for the doors to open.   You can bring the “hooded camping chair” to keep the wind and rain off.  You can bring a book, your iphone (which you spend half your life dinking around on anyway) and enjoy some peace and quiet rather than crazy family shenaniganz.
2) Wear your running shoes because there WILL be a foot race to electronics.   Don’t freaking disappoint me!
3) Engage in hand to hand combat with thirteen people in order to secure yourself one of the three items set aside for the sale price.
4) Pray to god you actually get the advertised deal so you can
5) Give your child the gift he is dying for without having to sell a vital organ to afford it.

It’s totally simple and I KNOW you can DO this!

So, he’s kind of excited to go and brave the Seattle elements (read: rain) and beat down any and all freaking competition that tries to get to the electronics department before he does.  I’m sure I will show up sometime just before the sale.  I actually run a little faster than he does, so I’m counting on my lioness prowess to get us the upper hand.

I don’t know you guys, I’ve never actually gone Black Friday shopping.  I get a little stressed by crowds.   I will most definitely pack the thermos full of vodka tonics with a splash of Triple Sec.  So… someone else will have to drive us home.

Cross your fingers and pray to the retail gods.  I WANT THAT FREAKING KINECT!

What about you guys? Are you Black Friday bargain shopping?  Are you totally incensed at the retailers for cutting their employee’s holiday short?  Normally, I think I would be, but desperate times and all that…

 

UPDATE:

I thought you’d like to see the adorable response to this post that Jimmie sent via text.  He’s just so cute.

 

it’s daylight savings time, not Y2K. God.

Last night, around the world, people went to bed just like they do every. single. night (unless you’re still young enough to pull all-nighters without feeling like shit for a week afterward.  Then, maybe you witnessed the sunrise from a Denny’s parking lot.  Whatever.)

And this morning, people around the world woke up just like they do every. single. day.  Some parts of the world set their clocks back an hour.  And some didn’t.  It’s not that freaking big of a deal.

Unless, of course, you want to go see a movie.  Then, apparently, it’s a humungous deal.

See, I have been going back and forth over taking my little girl to see Footloose for the past couple of weeks.  I really wanted to see it.  I remember being around her age watching the original one on HBO with my mom and it being a huge deal for me.  I loved every moment of it.  I wanted to experience that with my girl.  I wasn’t sure if she was old enough, but I decided I didn’t care.  We were doing it.

I found the show time at our local theater and when the time came we went.  It did not once occur to me that maybe times might be all squirrelly and jacked up because of DST.  WHY THE HELL WOULD IT?  Do shows on TV all of the sudden start coming on at wonky times because we fell back an hour?  NO.  No, they do not.  Do churches and synagogues and chapels and ballgames and whatever the hell else decide to change their start times?  NO. No, they do NOT.  But if they did, I’m quite certain they would go on the one place all people in the world go to seek information, the interwebz, the world wide web, THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY- for god’s sake! and change the freaking times!

Needless to say, we got to the theater and the movie that was supposed to start at 1:20 was listed to start at 12:20.  We missed ours by an hour.  The hand full of people that were there to see other movies were a little pissed that their start time was different too.  I calmly told the ticket gal I was disappointed but would see the movie in a close-by theater.

I double checked the neighboring theater’s start times before we left and Elle and I drove the half hour it took to get to our movie.  To find that the theater wasn’t even showing FOOTLOOSE today.  She told us the theater about 15 minutes up the road was showing it and we could make the next showing if we left right away.  I asked her WHY THE FUCK I should believe that BULLSHIT since the Regal cinema down the road just sent me to her.  I then convinced Elle to wait the hour and a half and return to the first theater so we’d be sure to catch the movie.

The ONLY reason I stayed with Regal cinemas after this cluster of a day was because we had a gift card to there and movies are freaking expensive.  I called the theater to make sure they were still showing the movie at 3:20 and told the kid I wanted him to verify the time because the internet was wrong as well as every other idiot that works at Regal and I wanted a personal guarantee that the movie started at 3:20.  He flippantly replied “Yah, this daylight savings time has us all screwed up.”

WHAT?  WHYYYY?  You set your clock back.  One hour.  You go to sleep.  You wake up at 8 and the clock says 7 and you congratulate yourself on gaining an hour today.  WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT????

You guys.  We survived Y2K.  Remember that?  If the computers were smart enough to navigate the first millennium change, how can they not be smart enough to navigate the twenty-fourth daylight savings time since then?

Apparently, the idiots at Regal Cinemas smoked a little too much of the reefer or some unknown shenaniganz and can’t get their shit together.  But don’t blame DST.  That’s just bullshit.

It was probably my anger at their stupidity while I was driving back to theater number one that caused me to flip off the asshole driver who wouldn’t let me merge onto the turn lane like a nice guy should.  Or he was just an asshole that deserved to be flipped off.

Obviously, my eight year old got the education of a lifetime today.  And that was before the movie even started.

And, no matter how guilty I felt for letting her witness a lot of making out and suggestive dancing between teenagers, nothing will make me regret letting her see that movie today. (Unless she gets knocked up by a guy names Ren at 15.  Then, maybe.)  The tear that we both got at the last dance scene of the movie (me due to the fact that I was experiencing this with my own daughter twenty something years later, and her because it was just so cool) was fantasmic.  Better than buying her that Strawberry Shortcake doll when she was 2 just because that was my favorite doll as a kid.

What can I say?  I’m a sucker!

Oh, and SUCK IT REGAL CINEMAS! You’re idiots!

i never claimed to be ‘average’

This morning my littlest bug had what’s apparently a run of the mill surgical procedure, removing the metal plate that was attached to the femur at the beginning of the summer.  You might remember me freaking out that the babe somehow broke his femur just days before we were scheduled to move.  It made for an interesting summer and moving process, but he took it like a champ and today was months ahead of when we were initially told the removal procedure would happen.

He went in like a champ and only got a little teary and nervous that last minute when they took him from pre-op to the OR and mommy wasn’t allowed to go.  We were then escorted to the waiting room where I’d spend the next couple of hours, and well… send myself into a panic attack and state of overall emotional wreckage as only I can.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I always dwell on the WCS (worst case scenario, for those of you not currently undergoing dozens of hours of therapy,) but I do.  I sat there thinking about how they were working so dangerously close to his femoral artery and it would be so easy to slip and ohmygod I don’t even want to think about it.  We were in the day surgery area which isn’t completely attached to the hospital.  Which got me thinking if an actual emergency did occur it would probably take too long to get to the actual hospital in order to actually save a person’s life.  So that was disconcerting.

I sat in a seat that enabled me to look back into the pre and post op areas, just feet from the OR.  I figured if there was something bad going on, I’d definitely be able to see the nurses and emergency type people scurrying around back there looking for crash carts and screaming “CODE BLUE, ROOM TWO, STAT!”  I wish I could tell you I casually peeked through the frosted window panes occasionally, but in all actuality, my eyes were glued to those windows all 127 minutes I sat in that room, just watching for someone to look a little concerned.  Every time the door to my area opened, I accosted the nurse with my jedi mind tricks to ensure they weren’t hiding anything from me.  I’m confident they all started to wonder if I was nuts.

Then, when the doctor came out to tell me all was well, I confirmed all of their suspicions that not only was that freaky ass mother in the waiting room possibly crazy, but someone should call Psych a freaking sap and get her admitted.  Because, you see, as the doc was talking so calmly and reassuringly about how well things went, I freaking burst into tears.

Now, I have had an interesting couple of days.  I have a lot of… emotions, if you will, running about just under the surface of sanity.  So, I’m not sure it was 100% nerves about the surgery that I was letting out.  But I released what some might consider a metric shit ton of emotion.  And made a complete ass of myself.  Everyone was quite reassuring, telling me it was nice to see a mother that cared so much about their child and blah de blah blah.  But I saw them running around the post-op, making sure all the sharp objects were properly stored.   Jimmie could barely contain his laughter as he watched me.  Oh sure, he was hugging me and telling me what a great mom I am, but I saw that twinkly glint in his eye that tells me he’s mentally going over the checklist of padded room necessities.  I know inside he was trying not to laugh and what a loon toon we all know I am.

Then we went back to post-op.  And the PA was telling us all the particulars of recovery.  And at the end, I winked at him.  I don’t know why.  It just happened.  My left eye closed in a definite winkish sort of way.  And I wanted to crawl under the bed.  But when he came back, he winked at me!  So I think we have a date now.

And Jordan is fine.  Watching Batman cartoons and sipping on a vanilla milkshake.  Enjoying the benefits of Vicodin.  Wonder if he would consider sharing.

the passing of the torch

The hubs was flipping channels earlier and landed on Top Gun.  I was finishing up dinner and the kids were just wandering around.

Approximately 30 seconds into the movie, Elle was mesmerized.  It was the TV version so I wasn’t too concerned, but I was keeping an eye out for all the good inappropriate parts just in case (lest you think I’m a really bad mother.)  After dinner we were watching and the Volleyball Scene came on.  I flippantly commented “this is my favorite part.”  Since I’m such a volleyball fan I thought she’d just dismiss it, but she chimed right in.

“I love how you can see all their muscles and their six packs, Mom.”

God I love bonding with my girl.

 

(I won’t even start about how much I hate Tom Cruise now.  I just pretend that was some other guy.)

housewife survival guide. for the newlywed.

 

I have a friend who recently decided to give up the greatest freedom ever in exchange for something called nuptial bliss.  I’m talking single-hood people, not living in America.  My friend and her hubby are all cute and lovey and living in the middle of god-forsaken-nowhere-Montana or some place so they can live off the land and just enjoy being alone together or some delusional romantical jest.  Whatever.

Yesterday on her facebook she posts that they are finally getting television services hooked up to their cabin and how exciting it will be to watch something other than Anderson Cooper’s face through a blanket of grayish snow.  And I was so excited for her because last night was the Season Premier of Parenthood and she should probably get caught up on that show to make the drama of married life seem boring to her.  And because I freaking love it.  Yay for fall TV.

Then this morning I wake up to find her posting about now that they have cable and internet, (and oh my God how has she lived this long without the INTERWEBZ?!?!?!)  she isn’t sure if she should watch TV or play online or *GASP* do housework?  And I am immediately “Oh my god woman! Hasn’t anyone taught you the rules of housewifery yet?  Holy Shit let me break it down for you!”  And so here are the rules you guys.  Please make sure to share this with any single women you know.  I fear I may be too late here and she has already spent the first month of marriage doing crazy domestic dilly-dallying which he now expects and OHMYGODTHERE’SNOTURNINGBACK.  How was I not there for my friend before this mess started!?  HEED MY WISDOM!

Basic Rules of Wifery:

1.  Start slow.  This is the most basic rule there is, ladies.  You must pace yourself when you start this out or, let’s face it, your marriage is doomed.

When cooking, burn at least half of the meals you prepare per week.  You may be God’s gift to fine dining, but you need to give that man a wake-up call that this is not his mama’s house and there’s some rough roads ahead.  An occasional meal of PBJ’s also isn’t a bad idea.  This may feel a little beneath you for a few weeks, but  you just have to hold strong.  He needs to look back on these days in a few months and realize you have worked tirelessly hard to improve your skills for him.

Leave crap laying around the house for a while.  Don’t keep things spotless.  Leave a box of tampons out on the bathroom counter.  Leave his socks on the floor for a couple of days.  This puts simple boundaries in place.  You are marking your territory while simultaneously telling him you are not the effing maid and there will be equal work put in around this joint.

Put off doing laundry as long as possible.  (You may have to sneak a small load of your things in while he’s gone to make sure you can outlast him.)  This will ensure that once you do start doing laundry on the regular, but leave it in baskets rather than putting it away, he will not bitch and quite possibly will help put his own crap away.  This is housewife GOLD here folks.

You get the idea by starting slow.  Give yourself a few months to work up to your true self.  By the time he suffers through this time, he will think you’ve worked so hard to become a Grade A housewife, he’ll buy you diamond earrings for your three month anniversary.  It’s truly a win/win.

2.  Don’t spend your whole day doing crap around the house.  Listen, keeping your palace up to a quality living quarters does not take eight hours a day.  You are more than able to spend the first five hours lounging in your jammies and watching the Real Housewives of Everywhere every single day.  It takes three hours, at most, to shower and make yourself pretty (if you’re in to that sort of thing,) wipe off countertops and throw dishes in the dishwasher.  You can then chop up some veggies and throw them in a pan and by the time he gets home things will be smelling like dinner.  Take a few more minutes to throw some hot dogs on there too and it’s a meal.  This is not rocket science.

3.  {This is a mistake I made out of the chutes.  I fear there’s no turning back.  I also think he may have passed it on to the offspring.  Hear my warning!}  Do not find stuff for him.  If he’s missing some paper work and you know right where it is, just point him in the general direction casually.  Don’t, for any reason, go finding crap.  He will then lose his ever-living brain cells and thenceforward go about expecting you to find everything.  I swear to God in a few weeks he will cease lifting single sheets of paper to look under the stack for his own damn car keys.  You cannot let this happen.  Do not let on that your uterus is truly a navigational system for lost items.  This is a secret we must keep to ourselves or we will spend eternity searching for lost socks and someone’s quarterly report.  It’s just not an existence we want to suffer through!

4.  This is the most  important rule.  Do not start doing a certain chore if it is not something you want to be saddled with for the next fifty years.  Imagine for a moment your hubby has spent the first two years tirelessly mowing, edging and weeding your lawn.  Then one day, he has had a particularly long week at the office and you want to help him out and cut the grass for him.  This is a huge mistake!  Fight the urge to rescue your man and make his life easier.  Whatever you do, don’t give in.  As wives, once we give in and do an extra chore once, they automatically assume we’re just going to take over that job for the rest of forever.  That old “give an inch and they’ll take a mile” thing?  That’s 100% TRUE.

5.  This seems like a contradiction of rule number four, but it is actually just a tricky variation on the subject.  Occasionally, you may want to do something around the house that you know he’d like you to take on, but you’re just not willing to shoulder.  Let’s just use the previous example of lawn mowing.  When you cut the grass, do it in a way that has the neighbors wondering what crack-head lawn boy has been butchering your spring green.  Mess up the lines, go in three different direction and maybe take out a shrub or two.  When the hubs has a chance to check out your handiwork, act completely proud of your efforts as well as exhausted.  This will provide a) a chance for him to see that you really do think you’ve done a good job and are completely incapable of EVER doing this again and b)  a reason for him to tell you not to do it again. “Oh honey, that must be a little too strenuous for you, I better keep up on this chore.  WIN/WIN!

I know this may seem a bit underhanded to you newlyweds.  How could one ever be so devious and dishonest in marriage?  Well honey, honesty is the last thing you need in a marriage, trust me!