will write for food…and then die of starvation

I’m sitting in the “office”, trying to write something that will just knock your socks off, and I realize that’s just impossible today.

First, I had to get up with the sun this morning and neither my body nor my brain can handle that kind of crap.  There is no amount of caffeine that can sustain rising before even God himself intended for one to rise.

Secondly, I have a toothache to end all toothaches.  Seriously, I want to gouge out my own eyes to try to make the pain stop.  {I know that makes no sense, but it just seems like something that might help.}  It’s like my mouth was set to self-destruct once I  hit my thirties.

Lastly- and most importantly, as I  sit here trying to type something clever,  a demon-possessed talking toy sits on the opposite side of the room and speaks the backwards lyrics of some 1970’s Led Zeppelin song to me.  Why do they {my spawn} have to leave these freaking toys out in the yard for the sprinklers to possess?  Why can’t they leave the shit that doesn’t talk to you out there- you know, the stuff that was actually made to be taken outdoors?  Not only does it annoy the hell out of me but it makes the dog do back-hand-springs and yelp like a coyote.  There’s just got to be something to that.   We’ve already determined that my dog is a wonder-pet that senses danger and eats the legs off of would-be burglars .  This just in, she now also senses paranormal activity and predicts the appearance of aliens! Maybe the freaking aliens can fix my teeth.  I’ve heard their guys do wonders with some Novocaine.

So, I just give up.  I’m calling it a night.  SO WHAT if I don’t get a super swanky writing gig and all my hard work is for nothing.  Big freaking deal.  At least the Fisher Price gremlins won’t eat my brains for a midnight snack.   I’ll be feeling good come morning- not sure about the talking firetruck {or those BP  guys who just can’t seem to get anything right}.  And at least I still have you, all 20 of you that read this crap.  So, there’s that.


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