oh sweet lord… did she just really write a blog about this??? {uh yah, she did. good god.}

I can NOT stress  the following disclaimer/warning enough:

If you are a man, you most definitely DO NOT want to read this. As a matter of fact, if you are a woman you probably don’t want to either, but If you are a man  and you read this, I will not be held responsible for it’s long-term effects on your psyche.

If you know me at all, you know I have no shame, which is why I am about to share this with you.  I have a serious problem right now.  Actually, I  have a serious problem tri-fecta.  I am currently in the middle of

  1. my Period.  No big deal, right?  This happens all the freaking time and I so know how to handle it.  Except when it is coupled with
  2. a yeast infection.  Remember my trip to the dentist.  That resulted in antibiotics.  Those cause bad things to happen in the nether regions.  Which I don’t understand but can absolutely attest to.
  3. There is no third problem.  I realize a tri-fecta implies three elements  but, seriously?  Did you read #1 and #2.  Need there be more?  Those two things combined are a tri-fecta like none other, and I don’t care if you like it or not.

There are no words to describe the anguish.  No words to convey the torture.

My lady parts are just not anything like they’ve ever been in their life.   It hurts so bad to pee that I literally squat above the toilet to try to keep anything from touching anything so as to prevent as much of the burning as possible.

If I didn’t know better… I would suspect I have herpes or something.  Can you get that from a public toilet because I did just recently use one in a Costco and it wasn’t looking so good.  OH MY GOD.  I also lent some pants to a friend and I’m not sure if she wears panties.  I know I don’t.  And I’m also not positive if she is Herpes Negative.  (I know I Am.  Or at least I used to be.)  JesusMaryandJoseph, can you freaking get Herpes from going commando in pants that a Herpes infested rounder went commando in?  Does anyone know the answer to this?  Is this how I’m going to “come out” of the herpes closet?  {I swear to freaking god honey, if I have Herpes, THIS is how I got it!!!}

So anyway, assuming this IS just the most god awful yeast infection paired with the period from hell, I decided I had to do SOMETHING drastic to stop the pain.  The kids were starting to get a little freaked out by the weird “pee pee dance” Ms.  Keli was doing all day long today.   So I think back on the only other time I’ve ever had an incurable yeast infection and what they told me to do.  I was pregnant with Elle.  {I don’t know why I feel you need to know that.  Yet there it is.}

They told me to do two things.  One was… wait for it… apply plain yogurt to the affected area.  Errr…. that’s a negatory folks.  Not gonna happen.

The other was to take a bath in either really cold, or really hot water.  I can’t remember which.   Makes sense for it to be really cold.  I mean, in this situation, really hot water could produce a loaf of bread for all I know.  So maybe it’s really cold.  Must be.  But then, I go to run my really cold bath and decide that WonderBread be damned, I am NOT taking a freaking cold bath.  So I run it really hot.

I burned my feet.  I burned my knees.  I burned my ass.

But I think it helped my problemo tri-fecta and I thought you all should know too.

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4 thoughts on “oh sweet lord… did she just really write a blog about this??? {uh yah, she did. good god.}

  1. How do you spell someone wretching? Bread and yogurt are two of my favorite things. I so appreciate having associative reminders stuck in my head every time I decide to have a sandwich or a smoothie. I know you warned me, but seriously, you know I read this shit.

  2. Wow. I mean wow. So, I wandered on over here after a visit to SG’s blog because I liked your post title.
    Okay, I *did* laugh a little at your pain, but only because I’ve been there my friend. Now I’ve had le hysterectomy though so I never have to suffer through the period part of it anymore (yay me).
    And yogurt? Um nay. That’s just wrong. ESPECIALLY when you’re on your period.
    Good luck!

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