random acts of crazy… the new year addition

{Beware, there is a serious bad attitude awaiting you on this post.  If you are remotely bi-polar, or on any medications please skip this little joy ride to hell.}

Every so often… okay, most of the time… I post something that’s a little random and a little on the bat-shit crazy side of the tracks.  Thus, I shall now institute a yearly installment of all the random acts of crazy that roam my brain.   (If I am ever faced with a New Year’s Eve without plans again.)

It’s 9:37 pm on New Year’s Eve and rather than braving the glam world of Moses Hole in my hooker heels and sparkly tunic I’m watching a fat man play XBox and two of the most adorable assbag children run AMOK waiting for the balls to drop out of the sky.  I am armed with a never ending supply of Russian vodka and coconut rum.  I had no intention of needing it, but at 9:29 decided I could progress no further without a little help from the cabinet above the refridgerator.  If up to me, I’d be in bed with my book.  Apparently that’s just not good enough for the little ankle biters so here we are.  This is the longest introduction to nothingness ever scribed by a half drunk fat lady. {Not really half drunk.  It’s only been 12 minutes.}

Here’s a few things I think you should know…

I recently watched a little movie called “The Other Guys” with one of my all-time favorite crushes Marky Mark and his pal Will Ferrell.  You Need To See This.  It is hilarious.  I seriously peed my pants.  I love almost every second of this movie.  I have a constant loop of the genius one-liners running through my head.  It might be the one thing that gets me through this night, actually.  Go and watch it right now.  Or after you finish reading this. Whatever.  I got all night to wait.

My best pal is currently at a Lesbian wedding, eating tacos and fried chicken, doing the cha-cha slide.  I passed up being her date to see Yogi Bear and eat Japanese food with my kids.  Sometimes being a mom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  I really wanna watch fried chicken stuffed lesbian brides to the cha-cha slide.  I really, really wanna.

I might be in the midst of a bit of a depression.  Maybe the booze wasn’t such a stellar idea.

I’ve been home, not working, and recovering from this joyousness for the past week.  It’s taking it’s toll on the sanity I might have had once.

Oh, here’s a fun little story you’ll appreciate.  Or not.  A few moments ago I got a little text from a local friend telling me her plans for the evening had fallen apart and wondering where the party was at.  I respond with this little blurb, feeling a little sorry for myself and my current situation, “Don’t know. We didn’t really hear of anything so we’re just playing games with the kids.  You’re welcome to join that party.  ;)”  A moment later, my husband asks me what the hell I just sent that text to him for?  HUH?  After inspecting my phone I realized the text I thought was just to me was to half my friend’s contact list and I just sent my assy response to all of them.  What’s a girl to do?  Oh, I know!  Send two more texts to the same damn group on accident.  Hey guys, listen… If you have my cell number, please just refrain from sending me your group texts.  I’m obviously not equipped to handle an orgy over 3G.  I’m smart-phone handicapped.

I might be drinking straight rum right now.  Something that’s never ended well for me.

Okay, this is obviously torture for you.  I have nothing to talk about.  Except that as much as I loved this Rockin’ Family New Year’s Eve up until around 9:28, the wheels fell off and I just wish I had some hooker heels on and a Cher soundtrack to dance around to.  This Dick Clark Rockin Eve is just straight shit. These people obviously lip sync 99% of the time.  Someone just put them out of my misery.  And why is there a need to wear stunner shades in the middle of the night?

Oh, and I hope you’re all being super safe out there.  But probably about a third of you will drive after drinking too much and you should just be shot for being idiots. 

Tomorrow, or sometime in the near future, I’ll post something uplifting and exciting… like my New Year’s Resolutions.  And those will be AWESOME.


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