the beginning of the end

You may have been aware of a little phenomenon called the biggest mega millions jackpot of the freaking forever that went down yesterday.  People were going ape shit about it.  I’m serious.

There were people lining up at every convenience store and seedy gas station all over the country to try to get their hands on the $355 million prize.  I had no freaking idea about it until I picked up some chatter about it on my Facebook.  There were plotters and schemers everywhere.   Losers.

My sister-in-law agreed to pay off my mound of debt to my in-laws if she won.  No strings attached.  Apparently, she’s in the mood to give freely so I’ll let you know if she wins anything in the near future.

I’m not usually a lotto follower.  I only bought my first lottery scratch ticket a few months ago.  It was from the lady I buy my vodka from.  Rachael.   I told her it was my first time and to make it special, but alas, I won nothing and now every time I go see her she pretends not to know me. Story of my life.

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever bought one of the tickets you have to watch the news for.  Or however they report the numbers nowadays.  I just tell my hubby to stop in whatever small town hell-hole he happens to be driving through that day for his job.  {He’s not a trucker.  And he’s always home at night so don’t try to mug me in my sleep.  Plus, we have a guard dog.}  Which brings me to my story…

The other day I was out running errands and while parking my car at Walmart I thought to myself, “When I win the freaking lottery I will never have to come to this gorforsaken place again.”   (I NEVER think things like, “when I win the lottery.”  EVER.  promise.)

Then, as I said, I heard the lotto chatter on FB.  At first I was joking with my SIL’s telling them I was going to send their brother out right away to our neighboring butt-hole of a town called Ephrata to buy the ticket because it is just the type of town people always win in.  Losers.

Then, I realized that the Hubbs would probably be driving through about 7 skanky towns in the middle of nowhere yesterday afternoon and he should just definitely stop and get a ticket.  I mean, I had just been daydreaming of winning the lotto so that must be a sign.   I call… no answer.  So I text.   No reply, but whatever.  He is always on his phone so I rarely hear back.  I was sure he’d stop.  He’s a total sucker for things like that.  Loser.

So the night goes on and I continue to ridicule people who are going all ga-ga over the mega millions fortune.  I just happened to ask the Hubbs if he got the ticket – which he failed at. So we hop in the car and run to the closest gas station.  We live in a pretty skanky town so I was sure the mo-jo would be just as good around here.

Then, it happened, the clerk refused to sell me a ticket because it was three minutes passed the time for tickets to be sold! I died a little inside.  My days of pushing a cart around Walmart are destined to continue.  Damn this town!

So then I wake up this morning to find that the winning lotto ticket was purchased at a Safeway in none other than… you guessed it, EPHRATA! THE EPHRATA!  Yep.  I’m not even shitting you.

I promptly contacted a divorce attorney because I know this is destined to be the beginning of the end for us.  I mean, every time he forgets to pick up a loaf of bread I’m going to lose it and scream and yell about how we wouldn’t even be in this position if he would have just picked up the damn lotto ticket as he was driving through EPHRATA when I called him!  God.

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2 thoughts on “the beginning of the end

  1. Well, shit! I was hoping you and I could vaca in Tahiti or somewhere tropical, after all we would have your fancy private jet to island hop. Maybe next time. Keep the dream ALIVE!

    • I know. We will now, and forever, blame this on my husband who refuses to answer his phone. I have it on good authority that the winning ticket was purchased at the same time he was driving past Safeway. Seriously. We really need a tahitian vacation on my G6.

      And now that song will be stuck in my head all day. Great.

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