the sordid details of my ryan reynolds breakup

I’m not the blogger that generally gives movie reviews, or reviews of any nature for that matter.  Primarily because I really don’t think anyone gives a shit about my opinions about movies or music or art or what have you.  I don’t really even give a shit.

However, tonight? Tonight I witnessed the most horrific display of cinematic refuse I have ever had the misfortune of experiencing.   Quite frankly, I have some feelings;  some emotions, if you will, that I need to get out.  So please, dear reader, don’t approach this moment as an  Ebert-esque review.  Let’s just be honest, this is a chance for me to rant and rave and publicly break up with my long time secret boyfriend for the monstrosity that is… (duh, duh, dummm…) Buried.

{Now is when, if you are planning on disregarding all of my obvious negative feelings about the show and watch it anyway, you should stop reading.   Because, in all truth here, if you watch this movie and like it, we can no longer be friends.  If I am willing to break up with People’s Sexiest Man over this film, I sure as shit am willing to dump your ass on the side of the road with nothing but 50 cents and a corn dog for supporting it.  Period.

I am now about to tell the story line, the plot, the character development, the costume, the casting, the WHOLE enchilada… including the fucking ending.  SO DON’T read on if you are crazy enough to want to watch this idiotic movie on your own – and care about the end.}   SPOILER ALERT. (blah blah blah)

Buried begins in total blackness with some heavy breathing which sounds suspiciously like RR.  Not a bad start… this could go somewhere.  Except of course that it’s called BURIED.  SO I should have known better.  My bad.

It then goes through a series of events that reveals Ryan (I can’t even remember what his character’s name is in this movie – because I don’t freaking care!) has been buried alive by Iraqi insurgents (or something) while being a contract worker in Iraq.  They have kidnapped him and want ransom from America (because that ALWAYS works).  Two long and excruciating hours later, he is almost rescued but then is dead.  Seriously, that is about how it goes.

There’s a snake that he was completely unaware of for half of the movie that suddenly crawls out of his pants leg and he has to fight it off.  There’s a cell phone that he’s using while pleading for his life with some of the most ignorant and annoying people to ever walk the earth. There’s a wife that conveniently leaves her cell phone somewhere on the ONE DAY he needs her and wants to say good-bye from his coffin.  There’s some other useless crap that builds suspense and leads you to believe that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE there might be hope for this poor pansy ass that can’t come up with a way to dig himself out of a shallow grave.  But in the end, it’s all just CRAP.

He dies.  He dies without trying to fight.  He dies while everyone else bugs the shit out of you.  And he dies while help on the other end of the cell phone runs to a buried coffin (that a fellow kidnapper lead them to) only to discover as the last grain of sand chokes out his life,  that it’s some other poor sap that they’ve tried this scam on before.

There is such a lack of depth and purpose and creativity to the whole thing that I just want to KICK MY DOG!  At least Tom Hanks had the sense God gave a turnip to make friends with Wilson on the island to give us something to work with on that one.

The best part?   I know for a fact it cost $5 to produce this film. The entire thing takes place in a box made of rotten, re-purposed barn wood.  There is a cell phone, a zippo and a pocket knife (all belonging to the director,) and there is Ryan.  The major cost was a flash light that must have come from the Dollar Store because it only worked 27% of the time.

I hate my husband for making me watch this, I hate RR for even reading the script, I hate Sandra Bullock for her high pony tail in the Proposal and I HATE THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

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