so this must be… what? first base?

One week ago, I woke up and challenged myself to go a weensie bit outside my safe little box and find some new friends.  But maybe I should start a little earlier than that…

I have been writing since Junior High.  It all began with angsty poems and (what would now be called) emo letters to no one to get me through the emotional roller coaster of coming of age.  Later in life, it became my cathartic way of coping with being a new wife and with motherhood and the whole “not knowing where the hell I fit in my world” development.   Again, coming of age, I suppose.

My writing has always been for me.  It’s my therapy- because I’m cheap.  Over time people began to relate to my writing.  At one point, before it was a paid gig to be a mommy blogger (or at least before I was aware of it) I had what would now be a pretty lucrative following.  Then, my world fell apart around me.  It started when my Hubb’s big bucks job fell apart and just kept spiraling from there.  I sunk into a depression that only the sinking of the Titanic could compare to, and not even writing or the kudos from my loyal followers could pull me up.

I shut down.

I stopped writing for a very long time.  I battled so many demons I can’t even tell you.  Then those demons started affecting me physically.   We literally thought  I was dying on more than one occasion.  I was physically wasted, mentally/emotionally not okay and working a full-time job for the first time in, well, pretty much my whole life.  It all  just really sucked.  And I withdrew into myself because that’s what I do.  And life, once again, fell squarely on my hubby’s shoulders.  And he? Handled it with strength and a graciousness I don’t even begin to deserve.

Slowly, I began to get my shit together- in my life in general, and the part of me that loves to write and loves the comradery of writing a blog began to come back to life.

It’s been kind of weird for me to write for about 14 people.  Before when I was writing I had about 1500 regular followers (at least that’s what the site meters told me… I dunno.  People never comment on these damn things.) 😉  So, I got used to writing for “no one”.  Then, it started to kind of bug me.

So last week I said, “Woman.  You need to put yourself out there.  Do something and see if you can drum up some business.  At least then you’ll have someone to talk to about how crazy you are.”  And now?  I’m totally stuck.  It freaks me out to be writing for someone again (No offense to those of you who were here before, but you’re my friends.  You’re stuck with me anyway!)   I’ve started and deleted approximately 17 posts the past 6 days.  I really wanted to have you here, and now I feel I have nothing to offer.  It’s like having house guests and no towels.  Or food.

All that to say, I hope you’ll bear with me.  I’m getting my sea legs again.  I’ll try not to barf on you in the process.

{Oh, and please oh please sweet baby jesus, don’t take this as a plea from me for you to tell me how great I am or to hang in there.  This is just me getting the gremlins out of my head so  we can move forward.  I’m really hoping we can get to second base by this time next week.}

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11 thoughts on “so this must be… what? first base?

  1. Careful. Next we open mouth kiss.

    No, seriously, you write when you want and about what you want. It’s not about how many readers or how many comments you get. This is for you. And we’ll be here when you do.

    • I haven’t had a good tongue kiss in years (shit- don’t tell the Hubbs.) I’m more than a little excited.

      I know what you’re saying is true. I tell myself that every time I sit down. My self forgets to listen.

  2. Yes, I’m commenting to myself…
    Every time I read this (Which is always a minimum of ten times per post… I know. I have issues.) Every time I do, I feel like more and more of a blog whore. This is so not who I am. So, I’m not going to delete this post because that’s just against the rules. And I’m glad I got it all out there. And I’m writing this to myself so I can say, Remember this moment dummy. And don’t let it happen again.

    😉

  3. Eh – go ahead and barf on me… my kids do it to me all the time 😉

    Write when you want…. if it makes you feel any better I’ll just read when I want 😉 Wait… who am I kidding…. I’ll read it all as I have no life so no rush to post again.. I’ll just sit here and wait… with my head in the oven…. take your time (good thing we don’t have a gas oven)

    😉 AL

  4. Go get some towels for the guests, woman. Or at least to clean up the puke. If you’re going to barf, you have to try to clean it up (well, that’s the rule in my house, at least if you’re over 5).

  5. Girl. Love this. Love the honesty. I alwaysove your sassy funny ones but it is nice to read your raw honesty. You do have a gift:)

  6. Your depth is refreshing. We all love to laugh and enjoy the fun life brings us, but the very honest truth is that without the pendulum swinging the opposite way just as far, we would not have that same joy.

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