black swan dive

The other night the Hubbs and I watched Black Swan.  I love movies that have tons of stuff going on in them but you’re never exactly sure what it is.  I knew there were enigmas and that which seemed real quite possibly wasn’t.  I knew (and this shouldn’t be a spoiler to you because it says so plain as day on the DVD case) that Natalie Portmann’s character was going to flip out and be a crazy person.  What I didn’t know was how it would affect me to my own crazy core. 

I have a history of mental illness in my family.  Basically, I’m pretty sure every person I’m blood related to is a damn lunatic.  There may or may not be people in my family that have committed murder.  I’m just sayin’ (and I never just say anything.)  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve laid in the Hubb’s arms at night with tears puddling up in my ears asking him if he thinks I’ve finally gone over the edge.  Laugh if you will, but there’s a part of me that’s positive it’s coming.  I’m just waiting for the trigger that finally does me in.

Half way through the movie when I realized that people weren’t at all what they seemed to be and delusions and hallucinations were aplenty, it sent me  off the deep end.  I didn’t totally realize it till afterward, but suddenly I was laying in bed wondering if my husband was even real or if I was actually in a padded room somewhere conjuring him and my two spawn up as a result of tragic miscarriages and too many tokes off the peace pipe.  All I can tell you people is that I lost it.  And how that man of mine talks me back from crazy town I will never know.

I can tell you this for sure, I know God is real because only he, in his infinite wisdom, would know that he just had to give me the man he did.  I swear to you there is no one on Earth that can talk me off the ledge like he can.  BUT – he was not on his game after that movie.  He was playing some idiotic game on his iPhone and I was laying there trying to gauge how far in looneyville I’d slipped when I asked him, “Hey Babe?  Do you ever feel like you’ve maybe lost your mind after you watch a movie like that?”  His amazing response: “Hu-uh.  Good night.”

WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK?  I’m envisioning the day I finally lose it and wondering which of the people in my life aren’t actually real, but are aberration I’ve created to help me cope with life this side of vodka and you are too wrapped up in NBA Jams to talk me back to sanity?  Are you kidding me?

So I casually turn over and text my sister {who also happened to be watching the swan at the same time}  if it left her feeling a little on the crazy side.  Well of course it didn’t.  We don’t share genes.  Mid-Conversation the jack-ass finally realized something was going on and slinked over to my side of the bed to see what was the matter.  {Or he was feeling frisky and was met by my evil twin and then realized he better get his shit together.  Jury’s still out on that one.}   After a half hour of repeatedly assuring me I am not one of the crazy ones that seems to hail my gene pool and he will always and forever make sure I don’t become one of them, I was finally calm and peaceful.

I swear to God though, one of these days I’m going to swan dive into the abyss of crazy-dom and you people better be on the lookout.  Someone in my family almost ripped another one of my family member’s ears off.  I’M JUST SAYIN’!!!


4 thoughts on “black swan dive

  1. oh my friend, it breaks my heart you go to such deep places thinking you are crazy! let me just say YOU ARE NOT! ya just aren’t!! i am laughing a little inside though too hearing this story – maybe its cause you make it sound that way. you are very lucky to have a man that is so wonderful and can love you through it all and talk you off the ledge.

    love you friend!

  2. You know what “they” say (whoever the hell they are) that if you can ask the question “Am I crazy?” then you’re not. A true crazy person wouldn’t know that they were, they’d just slip into LaLa land and enjoy the tranquility that is white noise (or whatever)… Hmmm not sounding too bad ‘eh? Just kidding. You are NOT crazy, we won’t let ya 🙂

  3. I would say a little insanity is an asset. It’s a subset of a creative imagination. I think you dance very well at the edge of the abyss Kel. Thus this wonderful blog of yours. No one believes you would swan dive over the edge. Too many people love you to let that happen.

    Meanwhile I have made this movie a must see. You know I like your picks! For some crazy reason I’ve been on a zombie spree, and fell asleep to “The Walking Dead” series last night. Now that’s just stupid, not to mention a huge waste of time. My usual 0400 drive to work this morning was very warped. Fortunately they weren’t those “28 Days Later” fast moving zombies. I made it. But I’m not leaving the job shack.

  4. Love you Kel. I don’t think I would like you as much as I do if you weren’t just a little crazy. I have to admit though I have been on the dark crazy side…it isn’t pretty. You my friend aren’t even close.

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