you put what? in where? can i see?

My daughter is eight.  Sometime, a few months ago, we had “the talk.”  I can’t even remember what inspired the momentous occasion.  I wish I would have written it down.  I decided not to blog about it because I didn’t want to be one of those mommy bloggers that embarrasses the crap out of her kids.  Yet, here I am.

 

As part of the talk, Elle had an epiphany.  “OOOHHHH, so that’s what those tubes are that you stick up your butt.”  Uhhhh… not exactly Elle.  And nothing should EVER go in your butt.  E-V-E-R. (I like to indoctrinate my children at an early age, okay!?!)  So, after a few more minutes of anatomy and the more icky facts of life we had the purpose of tampons down pat.

A couple of nights ago we were out to dinner.  My kids went off to the bathroom at the end of our meal while the Hubbs and I enjoyed the only 5 minutes of silence I experienced all day.  My son, 5, went into the ladies’ room with Elle.  He has a broken leg and needs a little help.  I was feeling lazy and just let her take him.  I will forever regret that decision.

A few minutes after the kids went to the bathroom my daughter came out telling me Jordan needed help finishing up (that’s code for butt-wiping time.  Yep, I’m pretty sure I’ll have to accompany him to college to wipe his ass.  This broken leg thing has done no.thing to help that problem.)  When I went in there were tampon wrappers and applicators on the floor all around him.  This mother promptly freaked the freak out thinking he’d been digging around in the garbage can that we have had numerous discussions about never touching.  (The child may not know how to wipe his ass but he knows you can get syphilis from touching the small silver garbages.)  He quickly put me at ease by informing me those tubes were new, and Elle gave them to him.  (A moment of investigation confirmed that there was a basket of tampons for the use of whomever- especially unattended children- on the counter.  Brilliant.)

My tiny little baby then went on to ask me a million questions about tampons, and suzies (our code word for girl privates,) and a myriad of other things I am blocking out at this time.  This is the synopsis of the discussion:

  • I successfully avoided telling any actual facts about tampons, suzies or anything else.
  • I successfully discouraged my child from wanting to see any suzies in the foreseeable future.  Hopefully.
  • I am plotting the murder of my eldest child for putting me in this position at this point in my life, when I can. not handle one more thing.
  • What I thought was a successful avoidance of all topics until my hubby could handle this for our BOY since I handled it for our GIRL seems to be backfiring since Hubbs has decided that too now falls under my job description.  (You may remember a previous discussion about this in regard to dental appointments and him being the chief breadwinner and this shit falling on me.  We will be rectifying this situation as soon as I come up with a plan that makes his life a living hell.)
  • My son will most definitely need therapy.  Lots of therapy.
  • So do I.
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7 thoughts on “you put what? in where? can i see?

  1. OMG! this is frickin’ hysterical!! i do feel for you though – i do not want to have any of these “talks” with max…he’s a boy – that’s what dads are for!!!!! so jim just needs to buck up and have the talk with his boy – you should make his life a living hell until he gives in. so, did he try to stick the tampons anywhere???

    • I responded to you below on Heather’s comment too.

      But you better check in with the Maxinator every so often to make sure the crap his dad is telling him is remotely true. Sometimes those idiots do no communicate things so clearly. 🙂

  2. OMG! This is hilarious! I’m sorry Kel. Funny and not so funny at the same time. I did want to ask the same question as Erin…..did Jordan try to stick the tampons anywhere??? Oh man I dread “the talk”. I havn’t had the “talk talk” with my Madi yet but have had the “talk” about the pons and that kind of stuff. Wonder what Cody will do with that info when Madi decides to share it. Lol OH and yes, Mr. Jim needs to take charge of that conversation w/ the Jordster. 😉

    • Erin and Heather-
      NO thank God! Elle must have made it quite clear that the pons (love that) are only for girls. And hopefully remembered the oh so important “nothing goes in the butt! advice.) He was just ripping the cotton to shreds and making it snow. 🙂

      Don’t you worry, the Jimster and I had a long and heated discussion last night about how he is most definitely still on duty when it comes to certain things. Just because I don’t work anymore doesn’t mean he gets to sit around in his easy chair ignoring life while it passes him by! (Not that he ever truly intended to, but I certainly wasn’t going to listen to him joke about it anymore. I was tempted to go out and get a job to shut him up!) 🙂

      You need to have the talk, Heather. You can’t put it off any longer. ‘)

  3. Somewhat related story, although only because of the “pons.” I was at the store and there was an endcap display with these smaller black boxes with neon writing on them. They were over in the food section, near the deli meats and next to the endcap of tortillas. They looked like fancy cookies. So, I grabbed a couple boxes and thought I’d give them a try.

    They were tampons. The checker who regularly checks me out made a funny remark. I was like…yeah..wait…what!? She laughed and said it was the third or fourth time she’d caught someone doing that. I suggested she encourage management to move that display to a more appropriate location in the store.

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