any given freaking sunday

I opened my facebook this morning to see half the men and many of the women on my feed all twitterpated about today’s events.  Then I switched over to an old email account I check about once a year to find their newspage covered in time lines and clocks clicking down to prime time tonight.  You’d think Oprah was giving away cars again by all the attention a certain TV network is getting for tonight’s season premier.  But it’s not Oprah, people.

Nope.  It’s football.  That’s right, men in tight pants chasing around a ball and smacking one another’s asses.  That is getting the attention of {I’m totally guessing here}  90% of American males.  I blame fantasy football, the bitch that she is.  But, I’m getting ahead of myself here… let me go back a few years.

One of my very first blog posts (posted on myspace about five years ago- I was so cool.) was about TV in general, but especially football and how it sucks the brains right out of my hubby’s head.  Since then I have written the inaugural first day of football post every year.  I just can’t be bothered with sifting through myspace right now (because woah! that place is a shit hole!) but someday I’ll link you to all the oldies.  They’re so precious.  Anyway, here\’s my first football post.  And now back to my regularly scheduled bitching:

I have grown to love football.  It’s kind of a special bonding time the hubs and I spend together.  Let me clarify that: I like watching our team play football.  I don’t like watching every NFL game every network wants to air.  I don’t care about anyone else’s team and I don’t care about what their uniforms look like or their cheerleaders or their freaky fans that look like Halloween threw up on them on any given Sunday.  I like to watch my team (which happens to be the Seattle Seahawks no matter how badly they suck.) to see if they will win or lose.  The hubs? He used to be the same way.  Then something changed.

Enter Fantasy Football.

When we were first together I don’t think he played fantasy football.  If he did, he totally pretended not to because he probably basically knew I would not marry him.  Something happened a couple of years in and now my man is freaking obsessed.  No longer do I get to snuggle up and watch one football game on a Sunday afternoon.  Nope, now we have to have the Season Ticket, which allows you to watch 15 games a day, and literally (I’m not shitting you!) one channel shows SEVEN games at a time on a fancy screen running a loop of highlights or whatever.  There’s a special channel that lets you enter your “key players” so you can see when they score you points.  There’s all sorts of shit out there and it all boils down to one thing:

FOOTBALL SEASON MAKES US POOR and I want to kill my husband.

This year he has three fantasy teams.  About three months ago he started doing “mock drafts” to practice for his real drafts where he sits around with his buddies and they pick teams.  Now, all his teams are lined up and he’s just salivating over tonight.  At 5:30 pm I can guarantee you his ass will be parked in the easy chair giddy as a school girl watching two teams that are not our team play football.  He will be checking his laptop all weekend to see where he stands in the fake competitions he has going online with his fantasy cohorts and it will be EPIC in his mind.

And I will be on my own, wrangling children and preparing snacks and making it his wet dream of a football season.  Because despite how much I think it’s all ridiculous, I love that man and he has totally made me that woman.  Damn him.

(In case you’re wondering, “any given Sunday” is some cutesy little slogan the NFL throws around about the magic of football.  Or some shit.)


12 thoughts on “any given freaking sunday

  1. Can I mention it’s rugby world cup time? This only happens every four years. And because we live around the globe from where the matches are played it involves my hubby waking at 4:30am to watch the said games. And we won’t mention the heart ache of our team’s inability to win in the last TWENTY FOUR years. Even though we are the best team in the world any other time.

    • Oh honey, my heart goes out to you! Is there an emotional break down at the end? My hubby doesn’t get all freaked out and cry over it when our team loses (because we’re used to it around here,) but we have some friends that just lose their shit when their team loses the big game and I just want to shake them. It’s craziness, I tell you!

  2. PS I suggest a basket of washing. Well actually all the baskets of washing. Because if he’s going to be sitting down he may as well be folding the washing at the same time.

  3. oh kel – you have become THAT woman!! oh well, it is for a man you love… my boyfriend jason said, “well, football is starting…i’ll see you next february”… i believe i may be right where you are – but at least jason is still in the stage of wanting to cuddle with me while watching football:)

    you mentioned your old blogs and how you need to bring them back – YES!! PLEASE!! they were awesome and the world needs to read them!!!

  4. Once again, I can relate to everything you’ve written here….except this time, I can top you! My husband and father are DEAF, and I mean, DEAF as in my voice is almost always harsh and my throat raw because I have to YELL for them to hear me. On football Sunday, the tv is up so loud that the dog, cat and I have to hide in the bedroom til the games are over. They’ve tried wearing the “hearing ears” thing but they don’t like them. Needless to say, our neighborhood could probably sit outside and hear the entire day of football from our tv. It truly sucks.

    • I would lose. my. shit.
      I can’t stand a loud tv. I actually make the hubs turn the TV to mute during commercials or at least way down. I don’t know how women with deaf husbands do it. I know mine is well on his way, and I’ll tell you when that day comes – he WILL be wearing the hearing ears or he WILL be finding a new place to watch TV. 🙂

  5. Oh Kel. I feel so bad for all my girlfriends that have to endure this crap every frickin year!! I am so glad my hubs is not all that into football except for our teams the Huskies and sometimes the Seahawks even then he really doesn’t care unless he’s actually there in the stadium. If he did this fake football draft crap I’d kill him. I just don’t get it. Alot of time,money and emotions spent on something that is NOT REAL!! OK, I’m done. Thats my two cents. I just feel so bad for my sweet friend wives that have to put up with this crap. Hugs to you my sweet friend. Your one kick ass wife!! He’s a very lucky man!

  6. You are one lucky lady. I just hate having to make sure the schedule stays clear on Sundays. If I even dream of scheduling something during a football game he REALLY wants to see, you would not believe the freaking attitude I get. AND WE HAVE DVR! I swear to God, you’re about to get me started on something I can bitch about for hours!
    Thanks for the sympathy.

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