can i tell you a secret?

So I really want to tell you a juicy little secret, but I’m going to need your absolute assurance that you’re going to keep this just between us.  Because, if this gets out, and Jimmie finds out I told you, there’s a good chance my home will not be a happy one tonight.  So can you just keep this on the DL for me?  Mmkay, thanksomuch.

My husband, is the worst fucking driver in the universe.  Now granted, I’m on my period and the fact that the man breathes my oxygen just pisses me off beyond words right now, but I have this opinion pretty much 97% of the time anyway.  He is an idiot driver.  I’d like to list his infractions alphabetically, but there’s just no time for that.  So I’m thinking a bulleted list will suffice.

  • He does not signal.  93.76% of the time, he does not use his turn signals for turning, merging, passing, overtaking or otherwise moving from one area to the other where a turn signal would not only be appreciated but is also, in fact, the law.
  • He follows too closely.  If you are driving in front of us, he is most likely going to be all up in your ass.  He also does not pay that great of attention so there’s a good chance he will at some point have to throw on the brakes in a violent manner to avoid actually being inside of your actual ass.  So that’s a really good time for everyone.
  • His job requires him to #1 drive pretty much all day long, and #2, my personal favorite, simultaneously be on the phone all. day. long.  He rarely uses the fucking expensive hands free headset thingy ma bob that he is required to use, once again, by law.  So at any given time on pretty much any given day, he is driving through Seattle area traffic, on his phone, USING HIS HANDS and generally holding a cup of coffee or something else while turning, weaving through traffic and of course, following too closely.
  • He has been known to text/facebook/tweet/play words with friends while driving.  I don’t feel this needs and further explanation.  Except to say maybe that I think I hate him.
  • When he is turning onto a cross-street, he turns really short so that if there is maybe a car sitting there waiting for their turn or, god forbid, drives up to the stop sign simultaneously, there’s a good chance he’s going to plow into the car’s front.  Does that make sense?  Let me see if I can draw you a picture.

  • My final complaint, for now, is that no matter what driving fuckery Mario is up to, if I happen to mention that… oh I don’t know… maybe we should HIT THE BRAKES before we run over that pedestrian, or whathaveyou, he gets so pissy and in a huff that I would dare question his superb driving skillz that it’s just ridiculous.  His new MO is to just pull over and tell me to drive.  Which is exactly what I wanted to fucking do in the first place.
{I’d now like to apologize for the exorbitant number of f-bombs.  I have some emotions right now.  Is exorbitant the right word here?  Whatever.}

20 thoughts on “can i tell you a secret?

  1. ROFLMAOOOO! I think men must go to a secret driving school that they think gives them the right to drive like assholes. I’m not sure if they drive like that just to piss off every woman in the universe, or if they all really are that stupid….but whatever the case may be ~ men are assholes and bad drivers. ( My MIL isn’t going to see this, is she? )

  2. Pingback: Laugh, dammit. | Metamorphosis

  3. Oh my god, I thought for a second you were my boss’ wife. I had to ride with him the other day and I’m still puckered!! Exactly the same though, job requires driving ALL DAY, on the phone ALL DAY, playing with ridiculously smart phone when not actively on the phone…Oh, but my boss also likes to drive 90 mph and weave in and out of traffic.

    Yeah…just thinking about it again is making me lightheaded.

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