i’m not trying to sell you anything I SWEAR.

Much of the time, when a mom gets her kids into full-time school, she returns to work.  This mom? As soon as my kids are in school, I stop working and lay around the house talking to my friends on the internet.  I’ve been waiting eight years for some leisure time.  I’m soaking it all in while I can bitches.

Okay, I’m totally lying.

A while ago I put a question out to my FB peeps about what kind of job I should do that falls into these categories: is legal, makes me a few hundred bucks a month, and can work around our one car situation until I make enough cash to buy a second car.  Apparently, I’m screwed.  I don’t even remember what all the ideas were.  I just know that a lot of people said “Ohmygod don’t do one of those direct sales things.  No one wants to buy any more kitchen crap or make-up or godforbid candles.”  And well of course that’s really just all I need to hear to say, “Hey guys.  I think I really want to sell crap.  I mean, you know how much I love to host those buy-crap parties, so imagine how good I’ll be at selling the crap.”

I know.  I’m a total loser.

Here’s the thing.  About a year ago I did in fact host a buy-crap party for some bags.  I pimped that shit so hard you wouldn’t believe it.  Because I wanted to get a ton of free stuff!  I love those bags like I love my children.  Plus, they don’t talk.  I can carry my shit around all over the place looking super cute and organized and like I really care about life.  It all matches and coordinates and it is freaking durable (I mean I’ve had it for a YEAR.)  And I love that stuff hard.  I have a habit when it comes to those bags and I just can’t quit it.

So, I have decided to sell it.  I have some good ideas on how to do it.  Plus, I think I’ll use those parties as a chance to work on my stand-up.  That should go over well, right?  Please don’t make fun of me and judge me.  And please don’t pretend to be on your cell phone when you see me coming to make sure I don’t ask you if you want to host a party.  I already hit up my family and they all shot me down, so I know you’re not interested.  I know no one wants to host those damn parties.  I know no one wants to attend them either.  The only reason I ever go is because I know there will be free food and free booze.  Mostly free booze (because you spend more money when you’re tip-say.)

But I have to do something.  We have pennies in the checking account until payday and I just used my last tampon.  On day two.  And no one is jumping up and down wanting to pay me to bitch about my hubs and kids online.  {I know, I can’t believe it either.}  So, clearly I need to get a job.  And not even McDonald’s is hiring unless you have a Bachelor’s in burger economics.  And mine is only in Theology.  From a school that is not even a real school.  So I need to figure this shit out.


17 thoughts on “i’m not trying to sell you anything I SWEAR.

  1. All I’m going to say here is that I made the mistake of googling “grundle” because, I can’t believe it either but, I had no idea what it was. And well… the goog never lets me down. But sometimes it does tell me too much. Or in this case, OHMYGOD don’t click on the “images” tab. Just DON’T!

    (Yes, theology. I know, right?!)

    • I was at the gas station yesterday and the cashier guy says “so you want you should buy one lotto ticket? Some jackpot is hugemongous this time. Might could be your lucky day-e” (I’m not profiling, that’s what he said.) So (feeling flush with cash because it was payday) I was all “Sure, I’ve been working on my kharma. Why not?”
      But we didn’t win. Not even five bucks. I’m totally going to regret that when it’s two days till payday and we need milk. Or wine.

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