i never claimed to be ‘average’

This morning my littlest bug had what’s apparently a run of the mill surgical procedure, removing the metal plate that was attached to the femur at the beginning of the summer.  You might remember me freaking out that the babe somehow broke his femur just days before we were scheduled to move.  It made for an interesting summer and moving process, but he took it like a champ and today was months ahead of when we were initially told the removal procedure would happen.

He went in like a champ and only got a little teary and nervous that last minute when they took him from pre-op to the OR and mommy wasn’t allowed to go.  We were then escorted to the waiting room where I’d spend the next couple of hours, and well… send myself into a panic attack and state of overall emotional wreckage as only I can.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I always dwell on the WCS (worst case scenario, for those of you not currently undergoing dozens of hours of therapy,) but I do.  I sat there thinking about how they were working so dangerously close to his femoral artery and it would be so easy to slip and ohmygod I don’t even want to think about it.  We were in the day surgery area which isn’t completely attached to the hospital.  Which got me thinking if an actual emergency did occur it would probably take too long to get to the actual hospital in order to actually save a person’s life.  So that was disconcerting.

I sat in a seat that enabled me to look back into the pre and post op areas, just feet from the OR.  I figured if there was something bad going on, I’d definitely be able to see the nurses and emergency type people scurrying around back there looking for crash carts and screaming “CODE BLUE, ROOM TWO, STAT!”  I wish I could tell you I casually peeked through the frosted window panes occasionally, but in all actuality, my eyes were glued to those windows all 127 minutes I sat in that room, just watching for someone to look a little concerned.  Every time the door to my area opened, I accosted the nurse with my jedi mind tricks to ensure they weren’t hiding anything from me.  I’m confident they all started to wonder if I was nuts.

Then, when the doctor came out to tell me all was well, I confirmed all of their suspicions that not only was that freaky ass mother in the waiting room possibly crazy, but someone should call Psych a freaking sap and get her admitted.  Because, you see, as the doc was talking so calmly and reassuringly about how well things went, I freaking burst into tears.

Now, I have had an interesting couple of days.  I have a lot of… emotions, if you will, running about just under the surface of sanity.  So, I’m not sure it was 100% nerves about the surgery that I was letting out.  But I released what some might consider a metric shit ton of emotion.  And made a complete ass of myself.  Everyone was quite reassuring, telling me it was nice to see a mother that cared so much about their child and blah de blah blah.  But I saw them running around the post-op, making sure all the sharp objects were properly stored.   Jimmie could barely contain his laughter as he watched me.  Oh sure, he was hugging me and telling me what a great mom I am, but I saw that twinkly glint in his eye that tells me he’s mentally going over the checklist of padded room necessities.  I know inside he was trying not to laugh and what a loon toon we all know I am.

Then we went back to post-op.  And the PA was telling us all the particulars of recovery.  And at the end, I winked at him.  I don’t know why.  It just happened.  My left eye closed in a definite winkish sort of way.  And I wanted to crawl under the bed.  But when he came back, he winked at me!  So I think we have a date now.

And Jordan is fine.  Watching Batman cartoons and sipping on a vanilla milkshake.  Enjoying the benefits of Vicodin.  Wonder if he would consider sharing.

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10 thoughts on “i never claimed to be ‘average’

  1. You shoulda told the people in the ER that you did not have TIME for all their fuckery, and if they did not stop looking at you crazy, you would turn into CUNTZILLA!!

    Then, you coulda invited them out for tacos.

    It’s a good day, babe. Relax. You made it.

  2. oh wow, i can’t imagine what it would be like for you if it had been a more serious surgery! thank god for all that it wasn’t. i died laughing when i read the part that you “winked” at the PA – hahahahahahahahahahahaha. that is just awesome!!

    • A more SERIOUS surgery? What is more serious than hacking around the femoral artery with a chainsaw? GOD! 😉

      The best part, after I winked at the guy, was that after he left I was all (to Jim) “ohmygod I just winked at the PA. Crap.” And the teenage gal also in post-op and her mom sitting there with us burst out laughing. It was so funny.

  3. So, last year Col had to fast for a day then go in for a procedure under anesthesia. I was the lucky one to have to wait several hours, then deal with it when he came to. They took me back to his area where he was waking up. I walked in and all goofy he says…I wanna hot doggggg. I say…we’ll get you some food on the way home. He says…not that kinda hot dogggg…your hot doggggg. The little Mormon nurse turned bright red and left.

    This has no relevance to your post, other than your story reminded me of waiting in the front like that. I just thought it was damn funny and it made me laugh…and hungry. I’m gonna go get a hot dog now. Like a Ballpark or a Nathan’s or something.

    Glad your little man is ok.

    • That is hi-larious! You guys are going to give some poor Mormon a heart attack one of these days.
      I’m just glad my guy was too tired to talk. God only knows what kind of embarrassing family secrets he would have spilled.

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