{So I wrote this today.  And then I felt like someone might see it as me fishing for validation and pats on the back and “awww you’re so much better than the self-depreciating things you say about yourself” comments.  And I felt weird about that.  So I took it down.  And then I realized it was gone forever so I asked a friend who I know receives posts via email to send it to me.  When she did the subject line was “PUT IT BACK UP MOTHER FUCKER.”  And I am marginally scared of her because she is even crazier than I am.

So here.  But please don’t say nice things to me in the comments.  Unless you want to tell me I’ve been looking skinny lately.  Because that shit is what I want to hear.}

I wonder if you’ve noticed my complete MIAness as of late.  Not only have the ol’ blog posts grinded to a stand still, but I also have been silent on pretty much all social media.  Some might say it’s because I tried using Pinterest and realized I’m completely incompetent on the internetz so I grounded myself.  That might be true.

Others might say a bit of self-examination was in order so I took some time for that.  While it is October, and I most certainly am thinking pink  (how could I not be? it’s freaking everywhere.)  I am not referring to my monthly breast exam.  But ladies, you should totally remember your monthly ritual.

Some personal situations arose that urged me to look into why I write this blog.  What am I trying to accomplish?  Am I just out to passive-aggressively trash the people around me and make them feel bad?  Do I hope to do something to change the world and make it a better place?  (While doing a sing-along with Lil Wayne and a voice-over from Michael Jackson?)  Do I have absolutely NO respect for the private life of my family, husband, children, friends, etc. and assume I can use them as entertaining fodder for a bunch of people I don’t even know?

Here’s what I came up with.  If you’re a long-time reader or you just happened here, if I know you in real life or we’ve become friends online, this is what you might want to know about me.  I write this blog because I’m an internalizer.  I take everything personally and let it hurt my feelings, and then I let it stew around inside of me until I send myself into a downward spiral and shut down.  I ride a fine line between sanity and… less than sanity.  If I somehow find a way to let it out on this blog, it helps.  Sometimes only marginally, and sometimes life-changingly (yes, I just made that word up.)

I’m pretty sure a lot of the bloggers I’ve met and become friends with over the years can say the same thing.  A lot of bloggers joke about how we blog because we can’t afford therapy.  I absolutely know that’s true for me.  I blog because I know if I internalize the things floating around in my mind and never let them out, I will most certainly follow in many of my family’s footsteps straight to the pharmacy for a healthy dose of happy pills.  I blog in the way that I do, outrageously and sometimes in a way that would make Howard Stern blush, because at this point, that’s what I’m comfortable with.

I’m okay with sharing a part of myself with the world that most people aren’t comfortable with if I can do it on my terms.  Right now, my terms are doing so in a humorous irreverent way because for me, it makes it less personal.  Most days, it would be impossible for me to tell you that just like a million other women in my world, I struggle with depression and feeling completely alone on a near-daily basis, I’m insecure about the way my family views me and my housewifing skills and I fear I’m screwing my kids up beyond blogger therapy and one day they’ll need a real one.  Or a padded room.

And let’s be real here, if I did write like that every day, you sure as hell wouldn’t be here reading this.  But if I can joke about it, tell my story in a way that’s funny and tragic and completely outrageous then most of you want to watch the train wreck and many can even relate to it.  And then we’ve formed a community.  One that even occasionally supports one another. Or tells the other one to shut the hell up and get over it!  And since I’m such a shit-show in real life, it’s kind of nice to have a community here.

If you ever go to a blog conference or look into becoming a successful blogger, the thing they pass out like Kool-Aid is that you must find your voice and stick to it.  Decide what you’re “theme” is going to be and don’t stray from it often.  Let your readers know what to expect.   I’ve always struggled with this because I talk about such random crap.  I’m certainly not a Mommy Blogger but I do talk about my kids on occasion.  I don’t do how-to’s or reviews.  I could care less about sharing a recipe with you.  (I get them all online so you can google “Chicken & Dumplings” just like I did, okay!?)  I guess if I had to choose one, I’d be a humor writer, but I most certainly am not in the same realm as the bloggess and the like.  So I’m going to make up my own category.  They do it at the Oscars all the time. Right?  I’m going to be in the category of psychotic humor with a twist of reality.  Or… whatever, you make it up.  It doesn’t really matter because I don’t expect to be getting an Oscar.  Okay, then. Good.

I know I swear too much.  I know I show humiliating videos of me being sweat-slimed by a disgusting stripper and that it’s revolting.  I know I’m not always uplifting and inspiring.  I’m angsty and sarcastic and sometimes I’ve even said things that make my family mad.  The only thing I would change on this list is that I never want to hurt my family or friends.  So I’ll be careful about that one.  But the rest of it is up for grabs.  And if I want to say fuck or talk about sex or even tell you what an asshole driver my husband is, I will do it.  And you are welcome to read Dr. Laura or Dooce.  They are far more touchy-feely and nice than I am.

This is my therapy.  And while it is public for the world to read, it is and will remain mine.  Some parts of it will be 100% true and some will be 99% exaggerated madness.  Sometimes I will write my feelings/situations in broad generalizations and you will wonder “wow. is she talking about me?”  Sometimes I will be.  And sometimes I won’t be.  But if this is going to remain my free therapy, sometimes I will have to get my feelings out.  Unless you want to pay for a shrink for me.  Then by all means, I’ll set up a paypal account.

And I’m sorry to those of you who are completely comfortable with who you are and absolutely can not relate with what I’ve written here today.  Because, I am well aware that this will just be one huge What. The. Fuck. when you read this.    (I kind of feel like Jerry McGuire and his “Memo.”  I will now change the title of this gigantic run-on sentence of a ramble-thon to “Memo:”  Because I can.)

And while I’m at it, and totally monopolizing your time and brain cells, I will say a huge thank you to those of you who are my IRL friends (and of course to my freaking amazing hubs) that come here and tell me you love me despite what a shit show I am, and to those of you who have become my friends because we met on someone’s blog or whatever and “clicked.”  I feel my best when I am writing.  Thank you for giving me someone to share it with.

The End.


13 thoughts on “Memo:

  1. well, let me first start off by saying – YOU ARE NOT A SHIT SHOW…you are just not that messed up sista (we all are a little bit…) you are a wonderful person, a wonderful mom/wife, your kids are going to be absolutely fine – you are doing a fantastic job with them.

    i am personally thankful that you have this blog – LOVE IT!! i love it that you can put it all out there, in your sarcastic, humorous ways. in my book, you don’t swear too much, you aren’t overly crude!! i say – bring on more!!!!!!

  2. Missed you too. And you swear too much. 😉
    Sometimes a little self-examination is good for the soul. Because then, when I come out the other side and say “Yep. I still think I’m pretty fucking okay,” it makes me happy.

  3. Improperly,
    It would be totally improper of you to ever think for a moment that this gift you have for blogging is less than that…a gift.
    Reading this blog brought tears to my eyes literally (and no I am not PMSing), and this isn’t the first time for that (the other tears were because I was laughing so hard though….and I once pee’d myself).
    If we all had a big internet glass of love for you, I know we would all give a big “cheers” to your blog and you personally.
    I love you Ms. Improper!

    • I love that you peed yourself and are willing to share that with the world. (Because the whole world does, in fact, read my blog.)
      Thanks so much for the pep talk. And for being a great friend. Cheers back to you.

  4. Damn, I missed the stripper video?! Repost please….and let me know when I can join you on your next trip down degradation lane. KEEP THIS ISH COMIN. Yes, I prefer “ish” deal with it. =)

  5. Really, unless there’s some big investor paying your bills and telling you what to put out there, it seems to me you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Write what, when and how you want to, and I’m sure people like me will keep reading it. Frankly, the idea of trying to be something just to make money at blogging seems a bit of a sellout to me. Why corral yourself into one particular site or another…do what you love, and what you want, and it will all work itself out. I am not really one to talk…look at the shitstorm that is my site. Trip reports, hiking stories, political rants and stories about all the idiots I encounter.

    In any case. I’m glad you’re here in current form, and glad this seems to have been a bit cathartic for you. Now, go meet some new crazy neighbors so we can get some good stories out of you.

  6. It really has little to do with advertisers. I don’t have many knocking down my door. 🙂

    There are definitely people in my life who feel they should have a say in what I write or feel slighted by some of the things I do. There are some cardinal sins in blogging. I break them regularly.

    I’m more than okay with that most of the time. 🙂

    My neighbors are SO boring. And I like many of them. It’s totally sucking for material!!!

  7. Though I am probably one of those newer people on your readers list, I know without a doubt I am supposed to be here. I don’t read any other blogs. I am totally into Pinterest though LOL. I love that you swear almost as much as me. You have the kahunas to let it rip outside of your family and close friends. Me, not so much. To certain people, I am a facade. I hate it, and someday I hope to grow up enough to let the “real me” out for everyone to see, love or hate. Their choice. Until then, I live through you. You make me laugh just when I think I’m going to refuse to change my last adult diaper ( 80 yr old mom’s…not my own! ~ not yet anyway!) And, just when I think I can’t go to one more open house or daughter’s sports game, I read one of your blogs and am thrown back into the goodness in the reality of my own life. You do that for me. So, take all of the time you need to get those crazy juices of yours going. Just don’t ever stop writing. Don’t apologize for having the guts to be you. Someday when I grow up ~ I wanna be just like you!!

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