if i could find a way to bleach my whole body, i’d feel better about life

First of all, I’m writing this from my phone. So if you’re an email subscriber you probably got a message with half of the title and a blank page as today’s post. Because I’m pretty much the most brilliant iPhone blog writer ever. Needless to say, this has a good chance of being short. (refer back to the “I’m writing this from my phone” sentence.)

My dog has been itching like a crazy bitch for a while now. At first I attributed it to changing her food. Then I found out her “cousin” dog (holy shit, when did I start referring to dogs with familial titles?) had fleas, so I freaked and just knew she also had fleas. Then I decided, no she didn’t. Then I saw a random bug on her, so yes she did. And then we gave a flea bath. And well no, maybe she didn’t. This exact annoying fucking pattern has been going on for ages.

Me, combing her fur like a manic chimpanzee searching for bugs, is a daily, if not multiple times in a day, occurrence. Googling every image of fleas, lice, mites, bed bugs, you freaking name it, is my new obsession. It has literally gotten to the point that Jimmie wants to have me committed. He hates me.

I ask him to search my head and back for bugs and/or bites and he rolls his eyes and does it. Then when I tell him he’s really not looking very carefully he gets pissy. Then when he catches me trying to look for myself in the mirror he throws things at me and calls me bad names.

I can’t help it you guys. My dog has had issues and I could not figure it out! And I have a thing about bugs. I can not stand bugs. I just can’t. Then, last night we finally decided she for sure has fleas (or at the very least, a flea.) I spent the whole night dreaming there were bugs crawling all over me and scratching and clawing and itching like a freak!

Then today I spent the whole day scrubbing and sanitizing and following step one in a three day process in flea elimination. Curtains were vacuumed, every fiber of every couch was sanitized, carpets were cleaned and recleaned.

Tomorrow we will bomb the house and take all blankets, sheets, comforters, pillows, stuffed animals and whatever else isn’t nailed down to the super duper industrial sized washers and boil the hell out of them.

The dog will be dipped and combed and vacuumed and bleached.

And then by god, maybe then I will be able to get a halfway decent night of sleep. Because right now, all I can do is scratch and wish to god my shower head had a bleach dispenser.


8 thoughts on “if i could find a way to bleach my whole body, i’d feel better about life

  1. I grew up living in the foothills of LA. There were coyotes, wildcats, etc. Our dogs ALWAYS had fles in the summer. In fact, my parents had a professional service that would spray the yard once a week. It didn’t help. I remember as a kid being in my baseball uniform and walking through the living room and then finding little fleas all over my socks and on my uniform pants. It was impossible to control. Bombs. Flea dips. Twice daily combs and sprays. I guess we were So Cal hillbillys…bet you didn’t think those existed!

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