jumping from bridge can be fatal and tragic

It’s a pretty sad state of affairs if one should be warned that they will die if they jump from a bridge.

I’m not in a jumping from a high bridge state of being, but I’ve been in a funk for so long I’m not sure I remember not being in one. I’m not one for loving transition, but this last one just took it out of me. Seriously.

I’m sure you remember that we moved this past summer. At the time we were so jacked about moving the kids to the land of opportunity (better schools for the long term) and Jimmie having a better job without a whack-job boss and hopefully lots more money, as well as being close to family that I just didn’t process all of the down sides to things. I think it’s really been hitting me lately.

I am so grateful for the kids new school situation. It really is the thing that is turning out to be as great as we hoped. I know this would have been a tough year had we still been in the area we were. But as great as the job is, the money really isn’t a lot better yet. And as great as it is to be close to family, it has it’s down sides too. And well, if I’m truly honest with myself, I just miss the hell out of my friends.

I am not a happy person right now. I know I’m not because Jim asks me how I’m doing about 42 times a day. That pretty much means I’m probably being assy and a downer and he isn’t sure what to do about it except make me admit it. I usually just say I’m fine but I think that answer is running a little thin.

So, as I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, I have decided I’m missing out on my girl time. We may have been far from our family and people we’d known for most of our adult lives, but our previous home was full of friends and love. I think all of us are really missing them because the kids spent about a half an hour today reminiscing about the funny things they remember doing with some of our close family friends. They aren’t really the kind of kids that sit around and talk about those kinds of things without a reason.

Have you even been in a place in your life where the friendships were almost effortless? I think these relationships are few and far between. When we first moved to a tiny town called Moses Lake I was not excited about it. I’m a city girl and I always have been. People joked that “the Hole” would suck me in and I’d never want to leave. I guess they were more right than I even knew.

There’s something about living life simply and without the fast paced, traffic congested craziness always surrounding you. There was also something wonderful about it just being us- our little family of four- in our own space, figuring out life in our own way. I love the kids being close to family, but I really loved the distance too.

I miss monthly Bunco and spur of the minute Girl’s Nights. I miss meeting our friends for Thursday night bar food at the local bowling alley and softball games in the freezing wind. I miss football parties and Christmas get-togethers where someone ends up curling up under the tree for a nap. I miss barbecues and sitting out on the lake until dark because no one wants to think about cooking or cleaning the sand off of the kids (and beer and potato chips make a fine dinner anyway.) I miss friends that invite themselves over for dinner and bring KFC for the whole family. I guess, I just miss people that aren’t so wrapped up in their own stuff that it makes it impossible to make time for someone else. And I miss being one of those people.

It’s possible that our next door neighbors could become those people to us, if I had it in me to put out the effort. I guess it’s time to quit moping around and get my shit together. Whether I like it or not, this is our home now and if I want to have some good, meaningful fun I will probably have to be the one to initiate it. Doesn’t mean I have to like it, though. Doesn’t mean I even know where to start either. Crap.

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8 thoughts on “jumping from bridge can be fatal and tragic

  1. I totally hear you! I had a new baby and exactly one month later moved away from my job that I loved and all my friends and my utopian world that I lived in (we lived in the best place, I swear. Literally surrounded by friends and lots and lots of kids for my kids to play with – it really was awesome). I lived the winter of dread and then things started to get better. Mainly when I decided that staying at home and moping wasn’t going to make my life any happier (in my defense it was my first New England winter. And no-one moves here for the climate!) Three years later, I think I’ll always morn my old life, but the new one is pretty good too.

    • Winter is definitely the worst time to move- between the weather making a person want to cry a river and the need to hibernate, you’re pretty much screwed. We’re lucky that our previous home was a great vacation spot so I know we’ll be going there lots in the summer. Now if I can just make it through the winter. And get over myself. 🙂

  2. I feel your pain. I grew up with very social parents. Their friends were essentially our extended family. People always over to play pool, loud parties, etc. So, as an adult, I was frustrated that I didn’t have that core group of friends who were like a family to me. Then, I moved to St. George, and rather than the social death sentence I was expecting, I ended up with exactly what had been missing. A group of friends where no effort was ever involved. Usually at least 3 nights per week (often more) were communal dinners at one of our houses. Weekend trips. Parties. Then, I moved back to SLC and that is completely missing again. Now my core group is a 4 hour drive (5 or 6 in winter), and it kills me. We’ve been trying for 2 years now to move back down there. I think about it daily.

    • Oh I hope you get to go “home” soon. It’s hard to leave a good thing. Of course, since the Halloween Tequila Debacle I may never be welcomed back to town again anyway. So I better get a good thing going here. 🙂

  3. oh friend, i so know how you feel. you know, that one year that i moved to seattle??? this is exactly how i felt! i didn’t last, obviously…especially coming from a place where i had life long friendships. there was a hole in my life for sure. and, the seattle are is hard because people are so wrapped up in their own lives – i don’t know if it is because of the fact that people commute so much, and there just isn’t much time for neighbors. i say all of this to say – i think if i had really stuck it out longer, i could have made friends and made it work. my boyfriend jason has lived several places – and he was always able to make great friends wherever he was. i am jealous of that ability. for people like you and me, maybe we just have to go WAY outside of ourselves to make it happen. probably will happen when you least expect it. k, that was a long winded, round about way of encouragement.

  4. I know we’ll make it work. It’s really nice that we have friends here that we’ve known forever (basically) but like you said, the time for it just isn’t what it once was.
    Thanks for the encouragement. It does help. And, just deciding to put on my big girl panties helps too. 🙂

    • You lave A LOT going on woman! It’s tough managing it all without it wearing you out and making you down. I’m sending all my good juju your way.

      I was on meds after baby #2. I was a hot mess for that first year. Then the meds went way south and I went off. And I don’t remember anything from that year. I literally see pics of myself and don’t remember being there and i have the most empty look on my face. I’m trying really hard to avoid that and get my shit straight some other way. I know that is definitely not the way it goes for most people and not all meds are bad- but it freaked me out!

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