So tonight I sit down with Jimmie to discuss my ideas for the promised “Improper Family Christmas Card” which is too awesome to send to family. Did you read about that on the post where I whore myself out for the needy and all but grovel for you guys to give money? No? It’s like crickets over there so I assumed you didn’t- would it hurt someone to just say “I think you suck as a ho and who cares about Christmas anyway?” Thank the baby Jesus people are donating anyway. (and I swear that’s all I’ll say about it for today. I so know how to lay on the guilt; I should be Catholic.)
Anyway, I promised this awesome card to people that donate. Problem is, we haven’t actually taken our pic yet so I really need to get on this shit. Good thing I’m so full of good Christmas ideas even Clark Griswold can’t compete. Actually, if we had unlimited resources and an attic, I would actually take a pic of Jimmie’s lower half hanging through the ceiling a la Gris and send that out as our photo card. That would be AWESOME on a level I have yet to achieve. What was I talking about? Oh right…
So, I was telling Jimmie about all my ideas for the card and he just kept looking at me, sullen faced and like I’m a total idiot.
You would think I’d be used to this look by now, but come on! I’m not that ridiculous. It’s totally possible to craft a family of reindeer and perch the kids atop them jousting style in the front yard. That’s a totally good idea. When I ask him just what it is that’s so horrible about my ideas, he said “The last thing I need is to be sent out all over the place looking ridiculous so people can laugh at me in this damn picture. It’s humiliating.” Well, shit. It seems no matter what idea I come up with, he’s going to shoot it down. It’s been ten years of Christmas holidays together and he’s still such a Grinch!
***This just in: If we make it to $500 by December 23rd, Jimmie The Grinch will shave Santa Clause into his chest hair and ride a reindeer wearing assless chaps for the photo. Seriously you guys, this may end in divorce but we are totally going to do this!***
PS I’m not sure he has enough chest hair to shave Santa into it, but we’ll give it our best shot.
PPS His ass? In Assless Chaps? Totally not a good idea.