A little over a week ago (or maybe more, I have lost all track of time and physics) I stopped taking my magic potion of vitamins that 1) gives me some sort of energy and 2) keeps me sane and this just in: focused. I have noticed my attention span waning to that of an, oh I don’t know, kindergarten boy child, the past few days.
Today, while playing Santa to the various teachers and support staff at the kids’ school, all my worst fears were confirmed. I am indeed in the early onset stages of batshit crazy senility. Or something.
I started worrying about myself this past summer after we moved. Although, I suspect this has been going on for much longer. I would finish conversations with people and realize, “Hmm. I don’t know what the hell she said after the part where I asked her how her day was?” Seriously. Do you ever have those conversations with people and you leave it thinking HOLY CRAP I totally checked out there somewhere around the middle? It’s not that the person talking to me is boring (usually) or that I don’t care (mostly,) it’s just that I cannot focus.
I’m sure it all started with the walking into a room and turning around in circles and wondering what the hell I came in here for. I used to blame that on “mommy brain.” You know, mommy brain. Those first few years after child birth. Well, we’re now six years past all that so I don’t think I can blame it on that anymore. I wasn’t an “old” woman to be giving birth, I was 26 and almost 29. I think that’s relatively young. There are women popping babies out well into their forties these days. (Obviously you know these things. I’m talking to myself here.) Anyway, mommy brain has progressed. It’s menopause brain. That’s got to be it.
My hormones and levels of everything and now, holy shit, my thyroid is wonky (according to my own self-diagnosis for now.) Everything is nutty. I don’t sleep, I sleep too much. I bleed, I don’t bleed, I bleed. I’m hot. I’m cranky. I’m crazy. I forget my name. I forget your name. I forget what we’re even doing here. I forget you were talking to me and just walk out of the room.
That’s right. I was telling you a story. So while passing out holiday gifts with the children to their teachers, because they needed me to go with and did not want to do it alone, I was in the office talking to the women who run the show, you know, the administrative assistants. (Once you’ve been an admin anything, you will forever and ever worship the ground all other admin whatevers walk on. It’s in the creed.) Miss Ellie (who I love because she loves that she and Elle have the same name) was in the middle of telling me about her family Christmas dinner she had a few days ago. I know she was telling me about that. I distinctly remember the start of that sentence. And now, NOTHING.
The next thing I remember I was waving goodbye and ushering the kids out the door. I looked around confused and fuzzy headed and just kept on walking. Holy Shit did I black out? Is it one of those seizures kids have where they’re talking to you and then stop and stare into space and then just pick back up where they left off? Now, I know I’m a hypochondriac, I do. Come one, I’m not stupid. BUT, I am losing it.
I think people think I’m on drugs. Who else in their right freaking mind would do this crap? Hey, if CPS shows up at my door looking for the cracked out mom that can’t complete sentences, will you show them this and tell them I’m just crazy and stop taking mah B Complex and things have gone terribly downhill since?
Anyway, I finished running around looking like the mom that wants all the glory for her kid’s $15 Christmas gifts and returned to the car. I shit you not, I looked up and wondered, “how the hell did I get to the car?” For all I know, I could have been running around topless for 10 minutes on my way to the car and I wouldn’t be any wiser. Maybe I’m one of those whack jobs that kills people and doesn’t even know it. I need a handler.
I am also going to make up T-Shirts that look like this.
I think it’s a good idea to just warn the general public. Also, I probably shouldn’t be driving.