single. ply. toilet. paper.

I’m going to tell you a little story that is way too much information.  You are going to love it.

When we moved into this house nine months ago, we inherited a problem.  The toilets here, they don’t flush well.  At first I thought the Impropers might just have a problem- like a “our pooh is huge or something” type problem.  Then I heard from Elle that Jordan flushed a Capri Sun packet down the toilet so I assumed that was backing us all up.  Then I heard the truth, that it never actually happened, so I called off Roto-Rooter and resolved that I need to increase fiber intake or something because having to plunge every time someone went pee around here was getting to be ridiculous.

We suffered for months with the whole thing.  I’m serious.  Every time I’d get a load of towels washed and dried, we’d start the whole over-flowing toilet fiasco over again and the washing and bleaching and what the shit is going on around here migraines would start coming on.  One day it hit me, “holy crap (tehe) I bet we are on a septic system and I’ve been flushing tampons.  I have ruined the plumbing!”  So I asked my neighbor (even though there’s a little manhole right outside my driveway that clearly says “sewer” on it.)  She laughed and told me that no, we are on the city sewer system, but that every. single. home in our development has this problem.  The pipe that meets the toilet hole is the wrong size or some such nonsense and one person actually had all their toilets and pipe replaced because they hated it so much.

Where do I sign up for that program?

She explained that, since she potty trained her kids while living in this house hers are well-trained.  They pooh, flush, wipe, flush, wipe, flush.  Seriously.  She told me to implement this program and my (errr… Jimmie’s) plunging days would be over.  Sounds good.  In theory.  It has taken a while for this to catch on.  So in the mean time, I switched to single-ply toilet paper.   Let me tell you a couple of pros about SPTP.  It’s cheaper than dirt.  You can buy 178 rolls for 50 cents.  It also doesn’t clog up the toilets as much.  Let me tell you a couple of cons.  It hurts to wipe your butt with that stuff.  There, I said it.  SPTP is the devil’s TP.  And if you’ve had Mexican food, forget it!  Also, if you happen to be a girl and it’s shark week, you just want to check yourself into the nearest Motel 6 for some decent quilted toilet tissue flushing capabilities.

So, Saturday I did my Costco run. (I know, why in the holy hell would I go to Costco on a Saturday?  I don’t even know.)  And there it was calling to me from the 12 foot wall of paper goods.  Charmin Ultra in all her glory.  My heart fluttered and I think I actually felt my butt cheeks do a summersault of joy.  I wanted her.  She wanted to come home with me.  A whole quarter’s supply of the good stuff for only $21.00.  We were destined to be together.

But my brain told me no.  So I compromised with myself.  I bought the Kirkland, two-ply with a soft finish but not too quilted.  $14.99 for a quarter of a year’s worth of happy wiping.  Or… the road to perdition where we have to call in a plumber to snake the pipes and give us a fresh start.  I don’t know.  I just put the first roll on the spool and am hoping for the best.

Mexican cuisine for dinner… here I come.


6 thoughts on “single. ply. toilet. paper.

  1. hahahahahaha – thank you for a nice laugh this afternoon! my little boy has a terrible habit of using too much toilet paper – and i have had several overflows. i have had to teach him the technique of flushing before wiping, etc. he has finally gotten it down now, i think…after several overflows in which i was not a happy mom. i did not know that you could stop a toilet from overflowing by lifting the back lid and pulling up the little inside lever – i learned that after the toilet had overflowed all over my bathroom several times in one day. so, hopefully you get your tp situation figured out. i am a fan of the kirkland signature brand tp – it is soft, yet not outrageously expensive:)

  2. My butt was chafing just reading your damn blog! I don’t think that I could ever use one ply – I would rather wipe my butt with those moist cottenelles. Which by the way, make my rear end too moist. TMI I know…TMI

    • It is actually a bad day all around for me if I have to bust out one of those wet wipes.
      A. What kind of poop do you have that it requires a wet wipe?
      B. I don’t need to feel like Dr. Jelly Fingers has been rooting around my arse all day long. Once that area is moist, it just seems to continue to feel that way all day. (and now we’ve officially hit TMI on a whole new level.)

      • LMAFO….I totally snorted while drinking my water and now I am in pain! Ok – so I dont use them….however, that being said, I did buy them for my youngest daughter who seems to perpetually have shit coated all over her panties. You would think that by age 7 she would of mastered the art of wiping, but no, it just takes too long. So, my grandmother bought her those moist wipes to “encourage” her to wipe. And then…..when they leave me no toilet paper in the bathroom and no toilet paper in the bathroom closet, I must use the wipes or waddle my poopy ass downstairs. Moist butt = not so fresh feeling

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